Heroic Moments

St. Rita

2012-01-23T02:34:00.003-06:00

Each new year, along with a really serious resolution, I go to a website for a saint for the year; an extra patron to pray for me, from whose life and holiness I can learn. The selection is random - until this year a nun prayed for my request for a saint, then assigned one to me. This year I used a Saint's Name Generator website. My friends and I have always referred to this process as the saint's choice.

The saint who chose me this year is St. Rita of Cascia. She is so powerful! She is also a little frightening to me. If I'm going to need her help this year...God may ask a lot of me in 2012. St. Rita is a patron of those in difficult marriages (can't see how that could ever happen, my beloved Bill is the most even-tempered person I've ever met!). She's also a patron of desperate causes, harsh illnesses, and widows.

That's stuff I don't want to face. I'd much rather the Christian life be a picnic. I'd rather read and study and have a theoretical understanding of the providence of God. As it is, we understand God providing our physical needs - there's always more month than money, yet everything is...comfortable. I LIKE comfortable. And it seems, if I'll need St. Rita's intercession, the lack may not be monetary (which I'm used to); but perhaps health. Quinta has been having pain issues; no cause has been found, so she has been in physical therapy. Or mental health; with her pain, Quinta has become glued to my side. I am struggling against resentment at losing "me" time. We won't even discuss the possibility of widowhood - which scares me beyond measure.

And maybe, just maybe, I am simply to learn from St. Rita's life and holiness. To enrich my own life and increase my own holiness. I'm going to try to reign in my wild imagination and approach my new patron in that way. St. Rita of Cascia, please pray for me to the Lord our God!

Catching Up

2011-08-02T03:29:00.004-05:00

I hadn't realized how long it's been since my last post about my family. So I'll take them in order:

My husband has been having palpitations that occasionally leave him dizzy. We can't seem to get the right dosage of beta-blockers to control them. So I do most of the driving. We're slowly finding triggers: caffeine is a biggie, so he's gone totally decaf.

I'm once again having sleep issues: I was taking 2 naps a day of 2-4 hours each and still falling into bed exhausted by 9:00. I've had all the blood tests, everything is in the normal range. Had a sleep study; I do not have sleep apnea. My oxygen saturation did drop to 88-89, which I find quite concerning, but apparently the Doctor doesn't; my follow-up is scheduled for September. So I live on caffeine tablets and high-octane coffee in order to accomplish anything. Makes my breasts hurt. Speaking of those girls - I had a little scare after the routine mammogram this year. Mills called back, said there was a shadow on the scan and could I come in for a repeat? They wanted to do it the next day, but my schedule was such I couldn't do it for almost a week. In that time, a gorgeous, generous little girl I know had a birthday party in which she raised money for women with "sick boobies" that went to the Mills Breast Cancer Institute and my Aunt Janet had her first chemo-therapy following a mastectomy for breast cancer. So after a thorough and painful repeat scan I was told immediately everything was fine; it was just a shadow on the original scan. Relief!

Primo is doing well enough with the Asperger's Syndrome that he no longer has to have one-on-one psychiatrist visits. He is still involved with a social skills group with Dr. K. He loves Boy Scouts; went to Camp Drake probably for the last time, though. It's his third year in a row and I don't know how much new he can do there. He had braces put on this year and must do a better job brushing!

Secunda is wise beyond her years and I may rely on her too much. We're coming to the end of the Humatrope; her Rx has ran out, so when we've used up what's left in the fridge she's done with nightly injections. The Supralin implant was taken out of her arm; Dr. W thought she would begin having periods within the month. We're still waiting, but not in any hurry. We're prepared for when it does happen. She is wearing her glasses all the time now. She has decided just to be a social member at Girl Scouts this year.

Tertio has broken himself of the finger-sucking habit! He still enjoys his ratty old blankies, but no longer sucks his finger while holding them. He still eschews pants, preferring to run about the house in his underwear (which makes Primo fuss, an added benefit in Tertio's mind!). He will start seeing Dr. K one-on-one this month. He went to Cub Scout Day Camp and to Adventure Camp at Camp Drake, from which we came home early mainly because the boys weren't treating him very well.

Quatorce is doing well. She is my nurturer, laying her cool hand on a hot head when someone is not feeling well. She got new glasses this year, then found the old ones whose loss made the new ones necessary. She loves being a Brownie in Girl Scouts and hates being left out of anything.

Quinta... we're in "wait and see" mode with her. I hate that mode! I don't want to put an implant in her arm yet or give her monthly shots to suppress her hormones, but it seems to me her breasts just keep growing. We see Dr. J in Oct. and I think something will have to be done then. In the meantime, she enjoys the priviledged status of baby of the family that lets her get away with more than she really should get away with. She's a Daisy Girl Scout and is very excited that she will have Religious Ed classes this year, too, with all her brothers and sisters.

Last

2011-05-09T17:24:00.004-05:00

I've been remembering an incident at church camp when I was maybe a Sophomore in high school. It was summer camp and we were dividing into teams for a softball game. I loved playing softball and wasn't bad at it, so I was looking forward to the game. At the same time I dreaded choosing up sides; I was plain and overweight and was always chosen last. But this time I thought I had an ace in the hole - a friend of mine from school was one of the team captains. I figured I'd be chosen well before last. But teen after teen was chosen and I remained in the dwindling pool of "wanna-be's". Finally it was just me and another girl even more plain and overweight than I was. My friend looked at me and then did a really nice thing. He chose the other girl.

Of course, in the myopic self-interest only a teen-ager can have, I didn't see this as a really nice thing. On top of the once-again-being-chosen-last angst, I felt betrayed. I turned and ran blindly, crying, to the dorm. No one followed me. I was alone, as always. I threw myself on my bunk and cried myself to sleep. I didn't emerge until it was time to go to the dining hall for supper. I didn't miss meals - food was my best friend. That one incident tells pretty much how church camp, school, youth group, anything was for me. I had ZERO self-esteem.

Fast-forward. I have learned to make Christ my best friend. (For a long while I depended on my husband for that; and he is still my second-best friend. But to fill your deepest longings you have to be head-over-heels with Christ FIRST.) I still easily turn to food when I'm lonely or bored. As a result, I still struggle with my weight. I can't miss meals now, because when I do I get a migraine. (So I have to be creative when I want to fast and pray.)

Unfortunately, I still have self-esteem issues, too. You can't go through life thinking one way and change it overnight. Even though I know nothing can separate me from the love of God, I still feel unworthy of that love. Not only His love,either. My amazing husband just shouldn't love me the way he does (so goes my twisted thinking). The wonderful ladies in the Mom's Group are just "pretending" to like me. That's what my brain (or the Enemy) tells me in dark moments. I still feel chosen last. But maybe that's not so bad."For behold, some are last who will be first...." Luke 13:30a

Help my Unbelief!

2011-01-17T00:50:00.003-06:00

Secunda and I took Quinta for her check with the endocrinologist at Riley. Secunda has Precocious Puberty and Growth Hormone Deficiency; she knew all the tests Dr. J might run and all the exams she would do. She was able to explain all that in an upbeat manner for Quinta, so there were no tears or meltdowns, just a healthy curiosity. It was a blessing having Secunda with us!

After a bone age scan of her hand, Quinta was examined by Dr. J. She is short, she has "significant" breast tissue, and her bone age was on the high side of normal. We determined not to "watch it" for a further six months. Given our experience with Secunda, we decided to go ahead and schedule a hormone stimulation test to see if she has Precocious Puberty. At the same time they will check her growth hormone levels to see if she has a deficiency.

Sometimes I think, "Yes, it's possible she has the same rare juxtaposition of disorders her sister has." At other times I think, "What are the odds of lightning striking twice?" And my mind strays to the possibility of a tumor on her pituitary or adrenal glands. And I'm a little bit frightened. I know God is with us, will be with us and will get us through whatever is in store. Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!

Feast Day Celebration!

2011-01-05T12:34:00.002-06:00

My patron is St. Elizabeth Ann Seton, whose feast day is January 4th. On the 3rd, my Beloved took me out to celebrate. Primo and Secunda were left in charge of the younger children and we left home in the morning.

First, we went to breakfast at LePeep. I had a spinach and bacon omelet with a raisin English muffin and decaf coffee. Marvelous! From there we went to the Savoy 16 to catch a movie, but it wasn't open yet. That fact led to a quick trip to Friar Tuck, where we picked up a bottle of Maker's Mark 46. (We are both ambassadors for Maker's Mark and had not yet tried their new product - 46.) Then back to the theater, where we watched "True Grit". I was a little skeptical of a remake of a John Wayne movie, but it was really good.

We then went by Columbia Street Roastery for some tea for my Beloved. On to Sam's Club for some staples we were out of. Across town to Lincoln Square Mall in Urbana for Ruben's chocolates at Art Mart. Then we checked out the Common Ground Food Co-op. We were thinking of joining, but it is not a family-friendly place as far as prices go. (For instance, we saw there a $21+ chicken. Now I have caught, killed, and processed organically grown, free-range chickens before and believe me, there is not $21 worth of work involved!)

We finished up at a Chinese buffet and headed back home. The children had been on their own for about seven hours and had done well. That just may have been the best gift of all! Thank you Beloved (and children) for a wonderful day!

The Provision of God

2010-12-31T07:33:00.002-06:00

As this year is at an end I'm sitting here thinking, it's been a really good year. Just one health challenge; my Beloved has palpitations that sometimes leave him dizzy (making me our only driver). Our van is having issues, but there's our station wagon to drive. Other than those things, there's the usual challenge of more month at the end of the money. God our Father has met our every need, just as He promises. Not a minute before-hand (oh me of little faith)! But He meets them.

We've been to a food bank, once last year, once this year. This year was a total bust, because we got there late (think 45 minutes after they opened their doors). We wanted to miss the crowds - we also missed the majority of the food. The year before was pretty much a bust, too. The food and sundries were already boxed up, but they made no concessions for the fact we are a family of 7. We got one box of cereal (how far does that go among 5 children?) and one roll of toilet paper (?). Food banks have their place, but God does not usually meet our needs that way.

God meets our needs through family and friends. He's my Mother-in-law, who never fails to get a shopping list from us before visiting. He's the generous "Secret Sister" in my Mom's Group, who gave us a freezer bag full of beef (I'm not even in the Secret Sister program). And He's "Santa", who this year sent two huge turkeys and two bags of gifts through our priest to our house. Santa knows my family pretty well, because he/she got each of the kids a book or books right in their interest and reading levels. And gave my Beloved and I some wonderful gifts as well.

I know that whatever 2011 holds for us, God will be right there, providing, guiding, helping us meet whatever challenges come our way. To Him be the glory forever and ever, amen.

A Manly Car

2010-08-28T20:23:00.004-05:00

I drove my Beloved Bill to the emergency room recently; he had a rough-looking eye infection. The hospital seemed busier than usual, judging by the parking lot. I had to park our van quite a ways from the door, on the far side of a small sports car. This car was parked in the middle of two spaces so as not to be dinged, I suppose.

I made some disparaging remarks about the owner and his mid-life-crisis car. My wise husband replied, "What people like that don't understand is that a mini-van full of kids is the most manly vehicle you can drive."

Thy Kingdom Come, Thy Will Be Done

2010-08-23T07:40:00.008-05:00

I recently received information that a man I once knew well may be a sexual predator ... of his daughters. The information came from a source I trust, for the most part, and put with my own observations, the charge was, unfortunately, believable. He may not have actually molested his girls; I have no interest in tearing up a family on hearsay (which is the quandary my source is in as well). At the very least, he is guilty of being ... inappropriate with his daughters.

I was horrified; my stomach was in knots. You must understand, this person was once very close to me, and I still have an interest in his well-being. So I poured out the story to my beloved husband, asking, "What do I do?!" His response? "Pray." But I had tried that and got nowhere, because my worries shadowed my words and I didn't know what to pray for. Should I pray he stop drinking - these "incidents" only occur when he's drunk. Should I pray he gets caught? I just didn't know. So I wailed to my Bill, "What do I pray?!"

"Thy kingdom come, thy will be done."

I was quiet in an instant. The wonderful Catholic practice of rote prayers would bail me out, providing me solace as they did. At the same time I was reminded of the promise that the Holy Spirit would pray with me when I didn't know how to pray. I was all set. Every time I began to worry about this man's plight, I would say an "Our Father"; many have been said. I am a worrier.

I asked my husband to pray with me. We prayed an "Our Father", a prayer of complete Fatherhood, for the fractured fatherhood of this man. Because his wife is turning a blind eye to the troubles in her house, thus marring her motherhood, we prayed a "Hail Mary", a prayer of ideal Motherhood. We finished with a "Glory Be", praising the true family of the Blessed Trinity for this poor broken family.

I even had an experience that said to me I was handling the situation correctly. Before Mass on Sunday I read the readings then, if I've time, I read through the hymns posted for the morning. Our opening hymn was "The Lord's Prayer". Once again I prayed for this man, and felt calm. When it came time for the opening hymn, it was actually something different, I had misread the number. However, I was still calm; Our Father had seen to it that I could concentrate on the Mass and not on the mess.

I am so grateful for the wisdom of my husband. And I would be ever so grateful, if this situation should rise in your mind, if you would say an "Our Father" for this family.

Love Languages

2010-06-22T06:36:00.003-05:00

I have just finished reading The Five Love Languageshttp://www.5lovelanguages.com/by Dr. Gary Chapman. I requested that Bill read a couple of chapters and take the assessment. Boy, am I glad I did! I knew immediately what my primary love language is, but wrongly assumed Bill's because of his loving actions toward me.

The 5 languages of love are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch. I knew my primary language is physical touch, but did not know how close a second quality time was until I used the assessment tool in the book. I was also surprised to find not one answer in the receiving gifts category.

Bill tells me many times a day he loves me; I assumed his love language is words of affirmation. However, that is number three from his assessment. His primary language is quality time, followed closely by physical touch. Amazingly, he had only 1 answer in the receiving gifts category.

So based on this assessment and what we've read, we've made some decisions. We're planning day trips (with the children) where we can spend some quality time together; picnics, letterboxing, parades. We've determined to touch each other when we say "I love you". Our checkbook will be happy that for the most part (with the exception of books and chocolate) giving gifts has gone by the wayside.

Now I have to get the book The Five Love Languages of Children http://www.amazon.com/Five-Love-Languages-Children/dp/1881273652 and figure out Primo - Quinta. I want them to feel loved by us in every way possible, but most especially in the way that most says "love" to them.

This was a great book, with tremendous insight. I look forward to loving Bill even better now and being loved even better in return.

Babies don't Keep

2010-03-12T07:45:00.002-06:00

We just returned from a trip to Indiana with a two-fold purpose: take Secunda to a couple of appointments with her Riley endocrinologists and visit my folks. Secunda has recovered well from her surgery; is now walking on her own - even running some with her brothers and sisters. My guilt was assuaged somewhat when I took Quarta to the Doctor with knee pain and he related an anecdote of a 13-year old girl he diagnosed with a slipped growth plate who had already seen three doctors and spent five weeks "rehabilitating" at a Sports Medicine Clinic for thigh pain. The Dr. told me not to feel badly - even doctors miss this.

While in Indiana I sat in my father's over-size rocker/recliner to watch a television program. Quinta, my 5 year old daughter, our youngest child, crawled into my lap. So I got to rock my baby! And gently cry. I have a cross-stitch sampler I had always intended to stitch and frame above my rocking chair, but life intervened with my plans and it never got done.

Cleaning and scrubbing can wait 'til tomorrow,
For babies grow up we've learned to our sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs! Dust, go to sleep!
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

I once again got to rock my baby, and I'm a calmer woman for it. Even Secunda's good appointments didn't do as much for my heart as that five minutes in the rocking chair. It goes by so fast. Soon she'll be eleven and we'll be discussing menarche in the van on the way to Girl Scouts (the conversation between Secunda and me this week). Babies don't keep. Rock yours if you can.

Less Than Adequate

2010-01-27T09:37:00.002-06:00

My daughter Secunda has been complaining of leg pain off and on for well over a month now. I dismissed it as "growing pains" because she takes growth hormone shots (every night, without complaint - this child is strong as well as sweet). Finally, her regular walk became a sailor's roll, she was limping so badly. Her pediatrician ordered x-rays, which showed the growth plate in her left hip had slipped. This is akin to an elderly person falling and breaking a hip. We were referred that week to a pediatric orthopedist at Riley Hospital for Children (since that's where her endocrinologists are). He examined her on Thursday, said she'd need surgery on Friday. She now has a pin in each hip (because kids with endocrine issues are at a 70-80% greater chance of this happening with the other hip) and is hopping around with a walker. Secunda is recovering well: mommy less so. The guilt at making my daughter live and walk with such pain is eating away at me.

But wait! There's more to feel guilty of! Because Secunda and I were in Indiana at the hospital, I was unable to do any shopping for my son Tertio's 8th birthday Sunday. We pretty much live paycheck to paycheck. We had budgeted for birthday, in a manner of speaking, but had not budgeted for hospital stay. On a birthday, the child gets to choose our meals for the day and with dinner we have cake and ice cream and gifts. Tertio wanted Chester's fried chicken for supper - we could no longer afford that. We had a meal which he wouldn't eat, a home-made cake which wasn't his favorite, no candles, no ice cream, no gifts. He was very disappointed. And I felt very guilty.

Tertio was made happy again, and my guilt assuaged, with the promise of a "do-over". With our next paycheck, we celebrate his birthday again. He chooses the meals again and this time we have all the things he missed on his birthday. If only there was a "do-over" available for Secunda. She has forgiven me for waiting so long to get help for her, because she is a strong, sweet child. However, I still feel the guilt. God help me.

God's Goodness

2009-12-20T05:45:00.002-06:00

"...in thy goodness, O God, thou didst provide for the needy."

My husband's employer gave a small bonus this year. I immediately thought "Christmas!" and proceeded to spend it. The rest of his check was spoken for, of course, with everyday bills. I did not go wild: each child gets only three gifts, but with five children... plus, I didn't want to be in town Christmas week, so the bulk of the money went for three weeks of groceries. I reached the end of the bonus before I reached the end of the shopping.

So. I have two godparent gifts and my mother-in-law left the day before I meet the girls in my Mom's Group for our Christmas Outing. We usually get a little ornament there; so one of the godparents' gifts would be taken care of. I run the Secret Sister Program - so I wouldn't be getting anything from that corner, I THOUGHT. But in His goodness, God provides for the needy. I received three gifts that day, parts of which I could re-gift to my mother-in-law, and one of the ladies made a sweet craft for everyone - which went to the other godparent!

I had worried about the food lasting us until the next paycheck, then remembered the Lion's Club in their kindness always gives us a box at Christmastime. But it turns out, Bill had called to say we got a bonus this year and to please give our box to someone who needs it more. So. God in His goodness, will take care of the needy. I can hardly wait to see what He has in store!

Happy Birthday, Baby

2009-11-12T08:10:00.002-06:00

My baby is five! That's right. Today Quinta, my youngest child, turns five years old. I spent six months on bedrest to get this child full-term. She was worth every minute. I had a caesarean section to deliver her. She was worth every anxiety. There were complications with her delivery and I ended up with a hysterectomy. She is greater than my wishes for more children.

This sweet child on her fifth birthday is a bright shining jewel: a tremendous blessing from God. She fills our lives with laughter and dancing. I am more grateful than she can know for her very being and her being in OUR family. I love you, Sugar. Happy Birthday, Baby!

Thank Goodness!

2009-11-04T10:21:00.002-06:00

Today I received, via US Mail, an early birthday present. My husband ordered it for me at my request. I've been waiting anxiously for it to arrive because my devotions and daily writing had come to an end until it came in. You see, recently I filled up my journal; where I write my thanksgivings and hopes; where I jot thoughts on my morning and evening devotions. So I finally received a new Gratitude Journal. It has a nice layout, with good questions to help me recall the day and all the good that happened. My birthday's in a couple of weeks, so I was able to justify to myself buying the same journal I had even though it's a bit pricey and a simple notebook would suit the purpose.

I must also mention how very thankful I am for my family. I tend to get migraines; my children are very understanding about being quiet and keeping the lights low. My husband waits on me hand and foot. So last night I developed a migraine. Bill took over making the meatball subs for supper; my son Tertius finished his project in the living room and turned the lights down; Secunda helped ensconce me on the couch. After supper we turned on the tv to watch "The Biggest Loser". (I went to high school with Allen, one of the contestants, so even with a migraine I didn't want to miss an episode.) My daughter Quarta spent the entire two hours brushing my hair and occasionally putting her cool, sweet hand on my brow, which made my whole body relax. She is an extremely loving child and she sure showed it last night. I am so blessed and so thankful.

Homeschooling ABCs

2009-09-02T05:07:00.007-05:00

Recently Terri Johnson, of Homeschooling ABCs held a promotion. She sent the first five (of 26) lessons for free to those who expressed interest. We were then to comment on her blog our thoughts on each lesson. Twenty-five people would be randomly selected to get the rest of the lessons free, etc.

As I finished up my last post on the last lesson, I prayed. "Dear God, I have found these lessons to be helpful. If You think the rest would be helpful to me, You're going to have to see to it that I win the rest of the lessons. Because You know no matter how reasonable the price, we can't afford to buy them."

The drawing was held September 1, and guess whose name was on the list?! God is faithful. I'm looking forward to getting the rest of the lessons. They're short, packed with information and useful even for a "veteran" homeschooler like myself.

Claim His Victory

2009-08-02T09:10:00.002-05:00

My devotion book is currently a thick little thing called God's Promises and Answers For Women. Small sections with a heading and Bible verses to go along with that heading. This morning I came to: God Blesses Women When They... Claim His Victory.

I thought, "What a Protestant thing: claim His victory." But in actuality it's not. Because God is victorious - in everything! We have only to enjoy His creation, accept His promises, await His coming. These things are for all who believe in Him.

"For God is the king of all the earth....God sits on His holy throne....He is greatly exalted." (Psalm 47:7-9) Claim His victory.

Consider the Lillies....

2009-07-18T22:08:00.004-05:00

We all took a ride tonight through the country. Just meandered around, and gleaned wildflowers from roadsides and ditches. Just Illinois farm country, decorated by God. How well He cares for us!

I spent some time arranging the flowers and accent pieces in three vases. It's the first creative thing I've done in weeks. I miss being creative; but I just don't have the energy or the same desire I once had to do things. Thank goodness our Lord still creates! Even if it's just some pretty weeds and wildflowers, He's always making things just for His pleasure.

Leisure. Creative hobbies. Artistic endeavors. These are things that separate us from the animals. God gave man the directive to "Rest". But rest is an active concept, something that renews us. As I consider the lillies we gathered today I have to conclude I am not resting as God would have me do.

Boy, your hands are full!

2009-06-26T10:09:00.004-05:00

We had 6 children in 9 years. One of our daughters died soon after she was born, so technically we've only raised 5 children. But whenever someone would see us together at a store, the comment was invariably, "Boy, your hands are full!"

My reply was always, "Full of joy!"

Here is a wonderful blog entry from someone else who has her hands full of joy. I wish I had thought all this through when my children were babies and toddlers. But there's still much to learn from Jennifer's post even though my children are 4 - 12 years old now.

It seems 5 children is so far out of the norm now; people were amazed not only at their number but how close they were in age. Most people are happy with their girl and boy. They are "allowed" to have 3 if their first 2 were of the same sex - to "try" for their opposite sex child. I always cringe when I hear a Catholic couple say "We're done. Our family is complete."

Lonesome and Blue

2009-06-14T13:25:00.002-05:00

Well, my oldest is off to camp; the others are outside playing. Bill's grilling our lunch. There's just me and the computer. Sigh. Think I'll go play outside with my babies while they're still babies.

Queen of the Holy Ordinary

2009-05-11T03:45:00.003-05:00

An excellent article about the most wonderful, least recognized job in the world.

Bears, Oh my!

2009-03-16T03:59:00.003-05:00

I normally go to bed before the rest of my family. Usually, by 9pm I'm dragging myself up the stairs. Because we homeschool, the earliest bedtime for the children is 9:30pm. It works for us.

I came downstairs to check on sleepers and get a little yogurt. My way was blocked by a veritable forest of snow boots! Carefully tucked inside each boot, facing forward to the next adventure, was a Beanie Bear. It looked as though I'd caught them tobagganing across my family room floor. I wish our camera worked - I'd love to post a picture with this entry.

This was definitely my daughter M's doing. I can hardly wait 'til morning, when she'll tell me what she was imagining when she dragged all the boots out of the closet and put her bears in them. It's going to be good!

I love my children!

Lent

2009-03-13T02:05:00.003-05:00

My Lenten sacrifice, the main one, is not going well this year. I'm a hypersomniac, and I'm trying to give up my daily naps. It is not going well. I'm just so fatigued - and besides, I like naps.

Last year I gave up shouting for Lent. That worked very well. My children were the chief beneficiaries of that "sacrifice". But I was highly motivated to change that behavior; I didn't like it. Our Father, in His wisdom, gives us the long winter days of Lent to make a habit of our little sacrifices. However, I caught myself shouting at my children just this week. I wish I could say it was a momentary lapse.

Perhaps, I'm trying to stretch this year's sacrifice too far. I'm giving up naps for Lent, but I'm also putting them toward my husband's intentions. Did I mention it's not going well?

Lent does begin with long winter days when things seem gray and cheerless. It also includes spring days, when hope rises with the sun. The Triduum is Lent in a nutshell: except on Easter our hope rises with the Son.

I need to just keep trying to make my bit of sacrifice; it will get easier to face just as the days get easier to face. I'm hopeful that what isn't going so well at the moment will be time I can spend in the Word and with my family as Lent continues.

I love Lent...I love Lent...I love Lent...

Political Position

2009-02-08T18:46:00.002-06:00

Where I stand:

My Political Views
I am a right moderate social libertarian
Right: 4.56, Libertarian: 1.31

Political Spectrum Quiz

Political Spectrum Quiz from Bill, from Dylan.

Dismissed Dreams

2009-02-06T07:41:00.003-06:00

I found a great quote by Sue Monk Kidd, in an interview with her detailed in her book The Secret Life of Bees (which I just finished reading).

"Ah, but never underestimate the power of a dismissed dream. I think there must be a place inside of us where dreams go and wait their turn."

This quote gives me hope. The things I've put on hold will someday demand an audience. My dreams deferred will become dreams realized. I might just surprise myself and become a writer or a textile artist or a saint. My dreams are just waiting their turn.

Asperger's Education

2009-02-05T01:08:00.005-06:00

My son Christopher sees a psychiatrist to help him gain social skills because he has Asperger's Syndrome. This same lovely psychiatrist has a social skills group with half a dozen boys. Christopher attended his first group this week.

All of these boys have Asperger's. Boy did I get an education! I heard about the latest video games, the predictions of Nostradamus, the end of the world, the mountains of Nepal, the Napoleonic Wars, and the sacking of Rome; all in the space of about eight minutes while we waited for the Doctor. These were not conversations, really, but rather several different monologues; so it got quite loud because, of course, each boy wanted HIS monologue heard.

Christopher's pet subjects (NASCAR, tornadoes, airplanes, or ships) were not in that list because he sat in a corner with his hands over his ears. When I asked him later how Group went, he simply said, "LOUD!" They made valentines during Group to give to their mothers. Mine had a large red heart in the middle with a NASCAR race along the bottom. I love it!

This child has given me an education in many ways: he is my first child. He came ten weeks early and was painfully tiny. Because he was born early, he was born the same year in which we married and so continues to be a lesson in humility for me. He's unbelievably bright; and teaches me constantly in his narrow fields of interest. But I am most grateful to God for sharing with me the sheer joy and delight of this boy. He is a treasure.

To Sleep Like a Baby

2009-01-25T21:27:00.002-06:00

I check on my children at least once a night. They sleep with such abandon! They embrace sleep as they embrace everything else in their life; arms thrown wide, legs still in motion. Their blankets are nowhere near their bodies. When do we lose that abandonment?

I sleep with my arms across my body, especially now, trying to keep warm. My husband scarcely moves at night and when he does, it's a slow and ponderous undertaking. We both hug the blankets to us. When did we start feeling the cold? Was it when responsibility came upon us? When these babies with their wide arms were given to us, did we stop abandoning ourselves to God?

Out of the mouth....

2009-01-20T22:29:00.003-06:00

We were watching the "last-chance work-out" on The Biggest Loser tonight. My five year old asks me in horror, "Mommy, will I ever have to go to that place?"

This is my skinny-minnie child, so I told her confidently, "No, Sweetheart, I don't think you'll EVER have to go to that place."

She returned with, "How do you KNOW, Mommy? How do you know I won't be as you?"

Ouch!

Next in Line

2009-01-20T22:23:00.003-06:00

As I peruse the long list of who's next in line for the office of the presidency, I find myself fervently hoping President Obama did not contract pneumonia by being too long in the cold today.

The Periodic Bookbag

2009-01-11T12:52:00.009-06:00

What I'm currently reading:

Acedia & Me; Kathleen Norris
Professionalizing Motherhood; Jill Savage
Kidnapped; Robert Louis Stevenson
How Your Child Learns and Succeeds; Cynthia Ulrich Tobias

I've put everything else on hold to read Norris: she describes something I feel beyond the seasonal depression I struggle against. A fascinating book about the inability to care.

Tobias is actually two of her works (The Way They Learn and Every Child Can Succeed) in one volume. As a homeschooling mom I'm looking forward to going back to this book.

This is where I am in my current personal reading. Mostly non-fiction; kind of in the self-help genre. Hhhmmmm. Why am I still so confused? Ah, there's no Bible Study in there. I'll have to find time to add that to still my soul.

Hearts at Home

2009-01-10T21:45:00.004-06:00

So I registered for the Hearts at Home Conference today. I'm really looking forward to it. There's always good information and entertainment.

Last year my friends and I were able to stay at my friends parents' house. But this year that friend won't be going, so after several fruitless calls I was able to get a room in the area. Thank goodness. It always helps to anticipate something fun in the dead of winter.

Stop Searching Forever....

2009-01-09T20:36:00.003-06:00

Since I was unwilling to cook on a cold winter evening, my dear husband picked up Chinese take-out for our supper. The paper in my fortune cookie read "Stop searching forever, happiness is just next to you."

As I sit beside my Beloved Bill, the smell of pipe smoke encircling us, I need not consider further. My "fortune" has come true. I am truly blessed. May you all have a wondrous night of blessings too.

Brief Update

2009-01-09T10:11:00.002-06:00

So I'm still at home, teaching the kids. Bill works from home: we're very blessed. My eldest just turned 12; my baby is 4. She still won't speak in public, so speech therapy is one of her classes at home. It's hibernation time - just Mom's Group and Scouting to work into the schedule.

She's only 3!

2008-05-18T10:12:00.000-05:00

Our daughter, who has PPD-NOS, would not speak. After early intervention services which didn't help, we were persuaded to put her in speech therapy in the local elementary school. After all, we paid for it, might as well get some benefit from it.

For weeks nothing happened. So I thought I would stop sitting with them. Maybe it's me. By this time, she was talking a mile a minute at home; but nowhere else. She had a breakthrough that day and came home like a decorated hero - stickers everywhere!

But it didn't happen again. Her IEP team wants to put her in the Early Childhood Class next year. As veteran homeschoolers we balk at this. We compromised by trying the class for the last nine days of school. My biggest problem is being tied to someone else's schedule. I'm told there is a bus for my convenience. SHE'S ONLY THREE! Why would I put her on a bus? Her security is more important than my CONVENIENCE.

Now how do we turn it off?

2008-04-23T01:09:00.000-05:00

Our daughter turned three still not talking. This concerned us, so we took her to a developmental pediatrician. He told us she had PDD and she started speech therapy immediately. We also began iron and omega 3 supplements. Her vocabulary bloomed!...at home. She wouldn't speak in her therapy sessions. We had a happy girl, adding 3-5 new words to her repertoire DAILY, but had to go back to the Dr. to discuss selective mutism.

Turned out the problem was me. I had always sat through her sessions, but one day I dropped her off and left the building. I nearly cried - she is my baby after all. The therapist, on the other hand, was delighted. Caroline talked! To everyone! That child came home loaded with so many stickers her shirt dragged down in the front!

Now we can't get her to stop talking. Or singing. Or humming. We always know where she is, at least. We worried, we primed the pump, now how do we turn it off?

Not a nerd at all

2007-11-01T05:55:00.000-05:00

My husband is a true Renaissance man but I have definite strengths.

Simplify Your Life

2007-09-01T04:13:00.000-05:00

Through my most recent study I've been asking God how to acquire a Sabbath-Simplicity throughout the week. I'm a Homeschool mom who's always in the car and we were adding more commitments. I have special needs kids whom I shuttle back and forth to therapy and doctor appointments. We were looking forward to our first year of scouting and the local homeschooling co-operative. I was maintaining my membership at Curves; both my dh and I are in Weight Watchers. I'm a Lector at church.

We've been in tight financial straits for some time....It's hard in this country to stretch one income. The brake shoes went in our car at the same time the refrigerator died. My parents graciously helped us out. We don't qualify for the state run insurance premium rebate program (which we were counting on) and we found out today we no longer qualify for food stamp assistance.

So everything extraneous went. Co-op, Curves, Scouts, the dance class we were considering for our second daughter; all gone. I still have Mom's Group (that check cleared a couple months ago), Lector, and Bill declared we need to get healthy so Weight Watchers is staying for the time being. And there's still doctors and therapy. But it's greatly pared down. Simplified, you might say.

Now I have to get a job. Wonder what God has to say about that?

Worth all the Excitement

2007-09-01T04:01:00.000-05:00

We attended Mass as a family...and it was worth all the excitement! The children behaved beautifully. The homily was great. Our Lord is there.

Last Sunday, I went on my own. Totally my fault-I didn't conquer Mt. Laundry. There were no towels to bathe the children, etc. Forgive me for what I have done and for what I have failed to do.

I agreed to use my God-given gifts again in Lectoring. I did that for a Tues eve Mass. So good to be serving God that way once more.

I LOVE the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass.

Too excited to Sleep

2007-08-19T05:18:00.000-05:00

It's after 5 a.m. and I haven't slept at all. The house is quiet except for the clicking computer keys and occasionally the bell of a cat. We're going back to Mass tom.....today! after a long time away for various reasons. Going as a family. I can hardly wait.

To see my Eucharistic Lord again....the only other time I remember being this excited was the night before my wedding.

Fear Not the Night

2007-07-07T14:03:00.000-05:00

There will be no more from Fear Not the Night. John Kirvan, the author, has written several books concerning Muslim, Jewish, and Christian Spirituality. Perhaps this is why he shuns the Incarnation. He mentions Christ once, as a side note in a long discourse on the devil, on Day 23. I believe St. John of the Cross mentioned the Reason for our being much earlier. So. On to the next study.

Fear Not the Night Day 10

2007-07-04T19:25:00.000-05:00

If we do not bring passion under control it will eat us alive and in the end be the only thing that lives in our souls. If we do not kill it first, it will kill us after making us spiritually sick.

The cure for this is to our lives single-mindedly to God; once agaain there will be peace.

Restore What is Mine.

When my steps are driven by passion, every attempt to practice virtue becomes a sad burden. I am dying. Renew my strength and energy.Restore my sight. Turn my life back to You with single-mindedness. Take away the subtle lure of the dark.

Amen.

Fear Not the Night Day 9

2007-06-29T06:26:00.000-05:00

Passion is blind, and it blinds our souls when we surrender to it. It's a light outshining all others, darkening our intellect. But the draw of passion's light makes us blind to the other Light around us.

We Stumble in the Dark When Light is All Around us.

I don't want to grope my way in the dark; please allow me to see the True Light of Your Love.

Fear Not the Night Day 8

2007-06-28T20:50:00.000-05:00

I find myself tortured and afflicted at the hands of a powerful captor, my passions. Like Sampson, in the hands of my enemies I am weak, blind, tormented.The greater the number of my passions, the greater the torment. But God refreshes if we just go to Him. "Come to me all of you labor and are burdened. I will refresh you and you will find rest for your souls."

Come To ME

It is time for me to lay down the passions that torment and torture me. Refresh my spirit and give me rest, I pray.

Fear Not the Night day 7

2007-06-28T07:10:00.000-05:00

What does St. John of the Cross mean when he speaks of "passions"? As I read ahead I think his intention is to address worldly desires - they sap our energy, leaving us too tired to walk with God.

I understand small, unreasonable, demanding children; St. John compares my desires with these impossible to please children. They're never satisfied.

We get weary trying to fulfill our desires; we cannot find peace or rest or God.

Lest we Grow Too Weary...

I am so weary! From a quest to fill an empty heart and mind with things. More clutter. It means being surrounded by a cacophony of books and music, exploding drawers and toys on the floor. It means going to bed exhausted and waking tired.

"Come to me all you who are weary and heavy-laden; and I will give you rest. For my yoke is easy and my burden light." He doesn't say we'll rest forever; but when we're refreshed by His Presence, there's work to be done. Thank you, dear Lord , for keeping me just busy enough to prevent the fear from forming.

Fear Not the Night Day 6

2007-06-27T06:48:00.000-05:00

The purpose of the journey upward (see:Moses) is to be alone with the Lord; no distractions or other passions. Until our passions are eliminated we will not arrive at the top, no matter how much virtue we practice.

Leave Everything Behind

If I am to make this journey to meet,talk, and join with You I must bring nothing with me. The purpose of the journey is to be alone with God with nothing but the desire to be with Him.

Fear of the Night Day 4

2007-06-26T23:09:00.000-05:00

The foolish ones are those who still cling to the things of this world. We are diminished by the trivial things we treasure. True riches are found only in Him. It's not easy to let go of things that cannot satisfy the soul.

I knew people could marginalize us - I didn't realize things could as well.

We Are What We Love

(Yeah, girlfriend Eve, I still want to be God. At least I want to love Him in His three Persons so well no one can tell us apart.) "I am...diminished by the trivial things I treasure. You alone can satisfy my soul."

I travel by night and see by the light of faith; descend on my soul like a river of peace to take away my fear of the dark.

Fear of the night Day 5

2007-06-26T21:27:00.000-05:00

"The difference between what we desire and the total transformation in God that is offered to us is enormous. 'Whoever of you does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple.' "

I want to be His disciple, but I'm frightened of renouncing everything; I'm comfortable here. But Jesus wants us to let go of all that separates us from the Father. Otherwise, we'll not see the Spirit, because our possessions are in the way of His transforming power.

Let Go Of What You Have.

I know it's foolish to think I can achieve union with You without first emptying my life of my trivial passions and possessions. You have offered me total transformation.

Descend on my soul like a river of peace to take away my uncertainties, my fear of the dark.

How do these things happen?

2007-06-23T00:23:00.000-05:00

One of the children's bedrooms was at one time a living room and has a large plant hook screwed into the ceiling. The bed is now directly under it, but it sits on the floor. My 5 yr old son who lives somewhere on the autism spectrum needs a blankie to sleep. The blankie has one small space where the lining has come away from the fabric. Have I set the scene?

This child somehow threw his blankie in the air, catching that small hole on the plant hook, thereby leaving the blankie hanging from the ceiling, out of reach of everyone. And it's bedtime.So here I am standing on the windowsill because it's taller than the bed using a stick horse to guide the blankie off the hook.

It took about fifteen minutes; we avoided a meltdown because what Mommy was doing and what she was mumbling was SSOOO interesting. Should I mention these windows have no curtains because the child pulled them down in a sensory fit? I wonder what the neighbors thought. How do these things happen?

Clutter?

2006-12-31T22:56:00.000-06:00

If you've got it, check out the blinkie at the side. My very organized e-friend Amy is helping us get rid of clutter and chaos before another clean heart/clean home challenge. I am currently beginning an abbreviated whole house clean up in preparation for a house full of overnight guests on the 20th. Here's hoping I can keep a steely resolve.

Ten years ago

2006-12-28T23:43:00.000-06:00

Our eldest turned 10 today. Hard to believe it's been a decade since his early, frightening birth. Just 6 1/2 months, my water broke. It was late and very cold; Bill ran all red lights getting me to hospital. An emergency c-section left us with a 2 lb 5 oz, 14'' boy in the NICU struggling to survive. Oddly enough, I had more peace about him then than I do now. He has few complications from prematurity; but he's small, he wears glasses, he has Asperger's Syndrome. Sigh. More reasons we homeschool.

This son is intelligent and funny, skillful and a true delight. Ten years ago, our worry couldn't let us see many positives. Now, in spite of the worry, he fills me with joy. Thank you, God, for Christopher.

Clean Heart, Clean Home

2006-10-24T07:54:00.000-05:00

I began Amy Verlinnech's "Clean Heart, Clean Home Challenge" this week. What a blast! I managed to clean the car, finish a cross-stitch project, school the children early, put healthy meals on the table and keep my kitchen clean! And I begin each day with God, asit should be. This is good stuff for the organizationally challenged. I can hardly wait to see what He makes happen today!!!

The Nose Knows

2006-08-22T07:52:00.000-05:00

Drying the 4yr-old after a bath, he wrinkles his nose in disgust and questions, "What's that burning smell?"

I take a whiff and say, "I just smell the crockpot"

He sighs, "Yeah, maybe it's just supper."

Fear Not the Night Day 3 part 2

2006-08-22T07:39:00.000-05:00

Do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps if you are not willing to move your feet.

"Hear the prayer of this fool who takes pride in what I mistake for wisdom. Help me to set aside my own knowledge and walk in your service like an untutored child. Let me become ignorant so as to be wise 'for the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God.'"

I will have trouble with this - becoming ignorant. Because I have the drive to know, to learn, to be an authority. Then again if I can be convinced that sort of wisdom is "foolishness with God"...if I can concentrate on knowing God in all His Persons I should stay on the right track, yes? Pray for me, my brothers and sisters.

Fear Not the Night Day 3

2006-08-18T08:19:00.000-05:00

Praying for more knowledge? "Only those who set aside their own knowledge and walk in God's service like unlearned children receive wisdom from God." "...If we are to enter into God's wisdom we will do it by unknowing, rather than by knowing.... It is the night of our own treasured wisdom."

I know if I had been in the Garden of Eden, the voice of Reason would not have been mine. I'd have been right there with my girlfriend Eve, shoveling that luscious fruit in my mouth. "Heck, yeah, I want to know what God knows. And the fruit is awfully pretty. I love God SO much - I DO want to be like Him. And how can I serve if I don't know anything?"

Then again, my girl Eve found that sweet fruit had a bitter, bitter aftertaste. And in order to know what God knows, St. John of the Cross tells us we have to become as unlearned children. However a good look at my children shows me they're not unlearned. They know love. They do as their father and I ask not out of fear of punishment or hope for reward, but because they LOVE us. Why can't I love God like that?

"Lord, please light the fire that once burned bright and clear. Replace the lamp of my first love that burned in Holy Fear."

Let go of what you know.

Fear Not the Night Day 2 Part 2

2006-08-17T07:30:00.000-05:00

I wasn't as aware of my own beam as I should have been - I'm afraid I indulged in gossip of various drs with my psychiatrist. I need to pray more for the gifts of the Spirit; especially knowledge.

A new e-friend, Marianne, "facilitates" two saints choosing to be your Patrons for the year - also a gift and a fruit of the Spirit to pray for and strive toward and strenghthen.

I was chosen by Sts. Joachim and Anne; Our Lady's parents, who had a fruitful love before they bore her then raised her to the most perfect child of God. Just what I want to aim for as Bill and I parent! Then there's St. Martha...goodness know's I'm not the best housekeeper in the world. I need help learning to seve my family (and through them the Lord). The special gift of the Spirit is knowledge; always needed as I guide our children. Someone such as I, suffering from chronic depression, also always needs joy: the special fruit of the Spirit I'm to pray for. A supernatural joy that's ever in me despite pain, emotions, circumstances, noise level, stressors, etc. Despite fear.

"Descend on my soul now like a river of peace to take away my uncertainties, my fear of the dark."

Fear Not the Night Day 2

2006-08-13T06:45:00.000-05:00

Bill and I with the grace of God manage to do a few things that spiritually hit the mark. Suddenly I'm an "advisor" in the Kingdom of God. Well, maybe. But most of all a warrior like everyone else. I don't want to strain out a gnat and swallow a camel.

Beware the Beam in Your Own Eye.

"Living a good life should engender humility." Self-awareness is not pride - if one senses humility in oneself it is not to cease being humble. It may be a bad modern habit,but it's not pride.

"Do not become one of those complacent beginners who in their spiritual presumption publicly condemn others...."

I am guilty of this. I need to remember only God knows the heart. Only He is able to condemn or justify.And who knows where on that continuum I will be?! Lord, Have Mercy on me, a sinner!

Beware the Beam in Your Eye.

Fear Not the Night Day 1

2006-08-12T08:33:00.000-05:00

Our attachments are to what is less than nothing. They impede our reaching out to God and being transformed by Him.

Nothing compares with God. We're incapable of union with God until our attachments are God and all others are purged.

LOOK AGAIN

Is this an attachment? Is it between you and God? Look again at it, make it sub-serviant to God. Detach from it. Look again.

You're only a pilgrim, you're not an owner. Keep your watch set for Home. This is not our home, we're only passing through; we're just in a tent.

Do not lose your first Love. Don't limp into Heaven; accelerate into Eternity. Gratitude will set you free from yourself. A Hindu proverb says, "They who give have everything. Those who withhold have nothing." Look again at gratitude.

How Slow is 30 MPH?

2006-08-11T21:16:00.000-05:00

Set the cruise at 62 MPH on an overcast day, just enjoying the view on the rural highway heading home. Suddenly, from the backseat, my 7 yr old daughter asks, "How fast are we going?"

"62 MPH," I practically chirped.

"Is that legal?"

Oh, groan. What now? I can't say yes and blithely continue 7 MPH over the posted speed limit. I can't say no, but it's okay: that's the wrong message entirely. So I said, "Sarah, would you like me to slow down?"

"Only if YOU want to."

Good grief. Chastened by Someone Bigger than my daughter, I slowed down. I've driven the speed limit since.

Sarah Elisabeth White. Watch out for her. She'll be a Doctor of the Church someday. Or at the very least a great Spiritual Advisor.

Fear Not the Night

2006-08-06T23:41:00.000-05:00

Prologue, part 2.

John of the Cross is accessible, for our common goal is final, complete union with God. "There is no other place to find God than where we find ourselves." (p 12-13) Matt 28:20b "And lo, I am with you always; even to the end of time."

I've always found it hard to read Carmelites in general, St. John of the Cross in particular, because I get discouraged, I think. I could never do that - I can't be that holy. Now this book tells me, "Understanding is not the point. Your heart's response is.....You're not reading these passages, you're praying them." That's been a huge problem for me as well. I often treat a book as something to get through, not something to savor. I must move slowly here.

Fear Not the Night

2006-08-06T07:23:00.000-05:00

At this time in my life I'm incredibly fatigued; I have back pain, adhesion pain, and migraines. I endure horrible nightmares; and I've begun hearing voices. My psychiatrist assures me this is because of Rx interactions. They usually accur in my twilight states between wakefulness and sleep, so I am learning to fear the night.

Lately I've been interested in Carmelite spirituality as well, so this book with exerpts by St. John of the Cross seemed just what I needed. Holy Spirit, guide my study. May I keep the image of our Lord ever before me and may the three Persons of the One God give me strength to incorporate St. John's words and advice. Mother Seton, St. Dymphna and St. John of the Cross please pray for me. Mother Mary, Guardian Angel, please hold me close. Amen.

iPlod, too

2006-06-28T00:28:00.000-05:00

To Kill A Mockingbird has always been one of my favorite books. Now I hear Oprah has scored quite a coup. http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/story/0,20867,19613041-2703,00.html She has convinced the very private Harper Lee to write an article for her magazine "O". An excerpt of the article: "Now, 75 years later in an abundant society where people have laptops, cell phones, iPods, and minds like empty rooms, I still plod along with books." Me too.

Where I'm From - the other side

2006-06-25T12:55:00.000-05:00

I am from wooden spoons and male cooks, from Spam, potatos and dumplings.

I am from the house unseen from the road, a riot of hued and scented surprise once you got up that god-awful hill.

I am from the prairie rose beside the dry dirt drive, the dogwood trees whose berries were ammunition against my brother.

I am from patriotism and pot lucks, from Norman and Aunt Imy who played softball better than anyone and Carol who... well, never mind.

I am from bull-headedness and bickering amongst family but closing ranks against outsiders.

From "don't do as I do; do as I TOLD you to do" and staying away from the closet at the head of the stairs because there was a BEAR in there. (There was also Christmas presents in there, but I didn't know that then.)

I am from the pow'r in the blood on an old rugged cross. Easter Sunrise Services at a little white church in the vale.

I'm from Coffeyville, Kansas and Columbus, Indiana; with coffee in heavy, white, military mugs that made it taste that much better. From being danced by my Aunt Becky when I was a baby and having my babies danced by my Aunt Becky now.

I'm from Love going out the window as Love comes in the door and from my grandmother singing "Will the Circle Be Unbroken" when she'd done more than anyone to break it. And I come from the amazement of forgiving that makes Family.

I am from cigar boxes of ladies' hankies and school pictures tucked in every crevice; albums falling apart from often handling and brief glimpses of WWII medals.

I am from Family. Which is why I clutch one of the heirloom hankies while looking through photo boxes with my children. And why I need to buy a replacement album or two already.

Where I'm From

2006-06-24T12:53:00.000-05:00

What's good for the gander is good for the goose - the "Where I'm From" meme:

I am from iron skillets, from BisQuick , Mrs. Butterworth's and boysenberry jam sent from northern Minnesota.

I am from the forest-hidden house on one of the flaming Autumn hills of Southern Indiana.

I am from the heavy, bee-laden pear tree, the evening honeysuckle scent and whippoorwill call.

I am from bluegrass music and large noses, from Abe and Elma and my father's cousin Dell, the "black sheep" who sent the jam from Minnesota and intrigued me so as a child.

I am from those who practiced Scottish thrift, even though they were Welsh and knew the power and comfort of hymns.

From cutting my own switch and knowing my shoes would feel strange in September because I hadn't worn them all Summer.

I am from an instrumental Church of Christ born of a splinter of a split. A true Church in the Wildwood with Old-Fashioned Day in the Fall and church camp every Summer.

I'm from Somerset, Kentucky, and Columbus, Indiana, beef and noodles with shellie beans and peach cobbler.

From my Uncle Steven, who got a cramp and drowned while teaching his girlfriend to swim, my great-uncle Elden, for whom my father was named, dying when his ship was bombed at Pearl Harbor. And I am from my mother, singing "How Great Thou Art" as she hung clean damp sheets on a long clothesline in the fragrant air.

I am from photo albums, one per child, from wall collages updated as children grow or babies are born, and from buffets and sofa tables made precious by their coverage of frames of every sort filled with pictures of every sort.

I am from Family. They have taught me to be Family. So my children are from a collage above my desk and from a precious mantle and from.....

Cinderella cheese

2006-06-22T09:54:00.000-05:00

This is what our 4 yr-old asked to have on his pizza last night; shredded Cinderella cheese. In actuality, he was speaking of mozzarella cheese. Apparently Cinderella is Italian.

When I worked at C&A Inspirationshttp://www.candainspirations.com one of our favorite customers was a dear priest's mother. She once mentioned to us she was 100% Italian. My boss declared herself only Italian by marriage.

We are only Italian by diet. And what a diet it is! Some wag once told me pizza originated in China. Maybe, but you can bet it was an Italian who put Cinderella cheese on it. God bless Italy, her culinary arts and artisans. Buon Appetito!

Alphabet, Anyone?

2006-06-21T11:16:00.001-05:00

Mommy and 3 year-old daughter, standing with heads in the refrigerator. A litany of things to drink; milk, water, kool-aid, tea. She chirped,"I want tea, U,V,W,X,Y,Z. (Now singing) Now I've said my A,B,C's, next time won't you sing with me? In my cup!"

This is the same child heard in the library/school room singing "Old MacDonald had a farm E,I,E,I,O...and sometimes Y"

Daddy's Mop

2006-06-21T11:16:00.000-05:00

One of the children spilled some water in the dining room and I went to get the mop to clean up the mess. My son John came in, screaming "Nnnooo! You can't use that. That's Daddy's mop!"

I'm perfectly willing to say that's Daddy's mop. There were some advantages to being on bedrest for so long ;) I can't use the mop. What a shame.

Seeing in Secret

2006-06-21T09:35:00.000-05:00

Today's Gospel from Matthew 6 tells us not to be like the hypocrites, doing various righteous deeds in front of others, to be seen by them. "They have their reward." What, that's it? Someone saw us be holier-than-thou? However, if our devotion is done unnoticed "the Father who sees in secret will repay you". Sounds promising.

Yeah, and think what else the Father is seeing. All that secret dirt pushed under the rug of my soul. I am so blessed the justice of the Father is tempered a bit by the mercy of the Son, the Spirit is constantly redirecting me and as a result I may have a prayer at reaching Purgatory. That's all I ask. If I can get there, Heaven's in sight!

Radiation

2006-05-27T13:43:00.000-05:00

Da Vince Code notwithstanding, I think those folks at Opus Dei are pretty alright. Their founder has written several books that are the core of my spiritual reading. However, St Josemaria Escriva and I have heated arguments sometimes; for he can be quite blunt when telling me truths I don't want to hear. Because, of course, acknowledging these truths would require me to change.

I've been reading about prayer lately. Picked up Contemplative Prayer by Thomas Merton. I couldn't get beyond the first paragraph of the foreword by Douglas V. Steere without being stopped short.

Here ... are hints both of man's longing for exposure to these `beams of love' and yet his fear of what may be involved to come within its transforming power. For if to pray means to change, it is no wonder that men, even devoted men, hurry to fashion protective clothing, leaden aprons that resist all radiation, even beam-proof shelters within corporate religious exercises in order to elude the `beams of love' and to stay as they are.

Well. Guess it's time to leave the padded prie-dieu in my bunker, take off my lead apron and go find a spiritual director. (I can probably find one of those at the local Opus Dei house.) Change may be difficult and messy, but it has to be done in order to be like Christ. That's what I pray for most.

Tenth Anniversary

2006-05-11T22:31:00.000-05:00

Today is the day - Bill and I have been married 10 years! We still feel like newlyweds; in our hearts. I heard someone say since they concieved on their honeymoon they "never got a chance to be newlyweds; just went straight to being Mom & Dad".

We concieved our first within a month of our marriage. But we never considered ourselves as "just" parents. Our relationship comes first, even before our children. The only thing more important is our relationship(s) with our Lord.

That's the secret to feeling like it's your first anniversary rather than your tenth... or whatever number with which you're blessed.

A toast to all newlyweds - May all those wrinkles be smile lines, and that chest pain be a heart full of joy!

Shaving my legs for Jesus

2006-02-19T16:57:00.000-06:00

At 5:45 this morning i was in the shower shaving my legs when suddenly the ludicrousness of it hit me. It was the coldest morning of the year. I certainly wasn't going to wear a dress to church. Why in the world was i shaving my legs? well, half of them - that's all i though the new razor could handle. So I mulled over this for a little while. was it just that I couldn't stand it anymore? And then realized no, I'm a lector this morning at the 7:30 mass and i just wanted to seem my best in order to read the word of God, even though no one else would know, I would know. So then I began to pray so that I could read the word correctly, and I prayed for the people who would listen to the word; I prayed for Father as he made his morning preparations and continued to pray as I finished up my own ablutions. I feel too sorry for my husband having to live these hairy legs. At least he has a wife who can turn the most mundane task into a prayer. Besides, he doesn't feel them through my flannel pajamas.

A word of explanation

2006-02-18T12:51:00.000-06:00

Long strings of cold and dark days are hard for me. I'm subject to depression and stressful holidays are hard for me for the same reason. When, on the feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe, my grandmother died, and while in indiana for her funeral I ran out of antidepressants, I sunk into a hole that's been very hard to climb out of. So that's why long time no write.

Be specific

2005-12-26T13:05:00.000-06:00

I noticed in my last post I said to "be specific", but did not give any specific examples. Here are some from one of the latest crises of our family life.

Pregnancies have proven difficult for us; our last was the toughest yet. A mild placental abruption landed me on complete bedrest early (I would spend 6 months in bed for this child). Our priest visited every week with the Eucharist, naturally, and with other good conversation.

Father asked what we needed; he was very happy that we answered with concrete things. Bill works from home, but I was unable to tend to our four other children from my bed. We needed someone to come into our home occasionally to entertain the children so Bill could have solid blocks of time at the computer. Since Bill and I would both be home to deal with emergencies it could even be a young person, 12 and up or someone who could use service hours.

Antoehr time Bill mentioned he was getting bored with the meals he was cooking. Father whispered this in the right ears and suddenly every 3 or 4 days we were getting boxes full of meals to reheat and serve or to freeze for after they baby's arrival.

Fahter asked what he could pray for specifically. Our answer was that I would not have to start insulin injections and that we could carry the baby to 32 weeks. When we reached that goal my blood sugar spiked and I had to begin the shots. My blood pressure began creeping up. The new prayer request became that my blood pressure would stay down and we get the baby to 36 weeks. Our parish prayed us safely there.

Even our own prayers need to be specific. The baby was born; money wsa extremely tight and by December we had raided the depths of our freezer. I stood in our pantry for a heart-to-heart with God. "Heavenly Father, it looks like a mealless Christmas for us this year. I thank you so much for all the food you've provided for us. I ask your help so I may be creative and make a healthy meal for my family. And may it be festive, because my Lord, your Son's birthday is a feastday."

Within three days, Father had dropped by with fifteen pounds of venison from a parish donor, and one of the parish men also a member of the Kiwanis Club had brought by a large box of food stuffs, including a turkey. We had a wonderful Christmas feast. Many thanks were given to God, who tells us to ask and it shall be given to us.

The least of these

2005-12-26T12:59:00.000-06:00

I've several friends with small children & rough circumstances, so, as I declutter I've been setting aside clothes and toys for these families. My Mom offered to deliver these boxes and took them with her tonight. What a relief! Five boxes and a couple of bulky infant accessories are gone.

Another relief; even though we're poor by America's standards, we're still able to give charitably. God is so good! Many times, we've been the recipients of charity. The generosity of others has kept our heads above water and our hearts hopeful more times than I can count.

Often our prideful selves get in the way when we need to ask for help. I'm reminded of an incident told by Kimberly Hahn. During a difficult pregnancy she apologetically asked for help (again) from a friend. The friend, weary of Kimberly's apologies and seeming unwillingness to ask for basic needs, got a bit angry, saying something like, "How dare you deny me the opportunity to grow in grace?"

If you find your hand being pulled; hearing the words, "Call me if there's anything I can do," call them. Be specific. People who say such things really want to help -- they just don't quite know how. Give them ideas. If you're new in an area, contact your priest or minister. He will get your needs to the proper church members. Be specific also in your prayer requests for of course there are those in every parish whose greatest talent is the very practical gift of intercessory prayer.

Being poor in spirit means accepting that sometimes we are the "least of these" others must care for. If our pride gets in the way we will indeed deny our brothers & sisters growth in grace.

Clutter

2005-12-26T07:40:00.000-06:00

Clutter. It fills our lives. My husband and I are trying to sort through our clutter; trash, give away, keep. We're filling boxes and boxes.

How did we amass so much stuff? After all, we're poor. We've made choices to keep us home with our children; those choices tend to eliminate high-dollar careers. Of course, because we're poor people give us things. All our furniture is hand-me-downs from various family and friends. Nothing matches but it's homey.

Of course, we can't let a gift-giving occasion go by without a book. And when you collect books you must have bookshelves. The books are the hardest to declutter; neither of us can bear to throw a book away.

Clothes seem to be easiest to sort. And the papers! We could drown in our sea of paper. From years past; definitely time to throw away much of those items. The paper will be easy, just toss or file. Certainly won't be giving away sheafs of electric bills.

We're already seeing such a difference. The house seems more spacious, light and airy. We eagerly anticipate beginning the next project. And getting rid of the clutter in our house is helping clear the clamor in our souls. Fabulous!

Anyone need some baby clothes?