Last

I've been remembering an incident at church camp when I was maybe a Sophomore in high school. It was summer camp and we were dividing into teams for a softball game. I loved playing softball and wasn't bad at it, so I was looking forward to the game. At the same time I dreaded choosing up sides; I was plain and overweight and was always chosen last. But this time I thought I had an ace in the hole - a friend of mine from school was one of the team captains. I figured I'd be chosen well before last. But teen after teen was chosen and I remained in the dwindling pool of "wanna-be's". Finally it was just me and another girl even more plain and overweight than I was. My friend looked at me and then did a really nice thing. He chose the other girl.

Of course, in the myopic self-interest only a teen-ager can have, I didn't see this as a really nice thing. On top of the once-again-being-chosen-last angst, I felt betrayed. I turned and ran blindly, crying, to the dorm. No one followed me. I was alone, as always. I threw myself on my bunk and cried myself to sleep. I didn't emerge until it was time to go to the dining hall for supper. I didn't miss meals - food was my best friend. That one incident tells pretty much how church camp, school, youth group, anything was for me. I had ZERO self-esteem.

Fast-forward. I have learned to make Christ my best friend. (For a long while I depended on my husband for that; and he is still my second-best friend. But to fill your deepest longings you have to be head-over-heels with Christ FIRST.) I still easily turn to food when I'm lonely or bored. As a result, I still struggle with my weight. I can't miss meals now, because when I do I get a migraine. (So I have to be creative when I want to fast and pray.)

Unfortunately, I still have self-esteem issues, too. You can't go through life thinking one way and change it overnight. Even though I know nothing can separate me from the love of God, I still feel unworthy of that love. Not only His love,either. My amazing husband just shouldn't love me the way he does (so goes my twisted thinking). The wonderful ladies in the Mom's Group are just "pretending" to like me. That's what my brain (or the Enemy) tells me in dark moments. I still feel chosen last. But maybe that's not so bad."For behold, some are last who will be first...." Luke 13:30a