Freedom from...is this a sin?

"He does not ration his gift of the Spirit."       --John 3:34

"Thou hast multiplied, O Lord my God, thy wondrous deeds and thy thoughts toward us; none can compare with thee! Were I to proclaim and tell all of them, they would be more than can be numbered."       --Ps 40:5

I never thought my eating habits were a problem. When I cooked for the family (which, admittedly, was rarely) we had a meat, a starch, and a non-starchy vegetable. Since I often was nearly bedridden, my husband or , again rarely, one or more of my daughters cooked; the servings of starch went up and the vegetables pretty much... disappeared. Now I really can't complain, right? He's doing this wonderful service for me, which shows he loves me, because most of the time he's wiped out too. Brain work, requiring concentration and attention to details, many times is more taxing than physical work. So we'd end up in a "carb coma" for a short time, needing a nap, and wake ready to nosh. Eating much more than intended, and much more than necessary, on a particular day. Is this a sin?

I was/am? also an emotional eater. Angry with one of the kids? Stuff that emotion down with some chips. Frustrated with Bill? Push it in with some cheese and crackers, A LOT of cheese and crackers. Simply bored? Popcorn, nicely buttered, is always a panacea. The list goes on: grieving, exhausted, sad, happy, energetic, lonely, need a reward...all were "satisfied" with unhealthy, in nature or in portion size, food. Is that a sin?

Yes. They both are sins. The first: "Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you? If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him. For God's temple is holy, and you are that temple." (1 Cor 3:16-17) 

The second is a sin because I'm not relying on the Lord, I'm trying to fill a God-sized hole with food; it doesn't work. "For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit... ." (Rom 8:5)

Our family is quite fond of the Aubrey/Maturin series of books written by Patrick O'Brien. In _Blue at the Mizzen, before telling Captain Jack Aubrey about a naval attack on Valparaiso, Chile, the naturalist, spy, and ship's doctor, Stephen Maturin says, "I tell you most solemnly that I must be fed." "Well, if your god is your belly, I suppose you must worship it," said Jacob.

Our god has been our belly. We are to "abstain from every form of evil." (1 Thess 5:22) "I appeal to you, therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship." (Rom 12:1)

"Nevertheless,He did not come to abolish all evils here below, but to free men from the greatest slavery, sin, which causes all forms of human bondage. (CCC #549)

The 17th Suspect

The latest Women's Murder Club novel from the prolific James Patterson and Maxine Paetro. Someone is targeting San Francisco's homeless population, but they haven't yet committed a murder in Sergeant Lindsay Boxer's jurisdiction. Yet, thanks to her confidential information, she has been first on the scene to three different murders, leading her to believe her fellow investigators may be padding their hours. Assistant District Attorney Yuki Castellano, meanwhile, tries a high profile assault case that could change legal precedent, if her client is telling the truth. And the search for a murderer is hampered by Boxer's unusual medical symptoms. But her friends are with her each step of the way. This book is just fast moving fluff. I got hooked on this series from the beginning and read each new one when it comes out. The series is basically a soap opera in book form. I kind of hate to admit I read it....

Forgiveness: Wonderstruck

Today the challenge is to spend twenty minutes in prayer asking the Holy Spirit to reveal where you harbor unforgiveness. Write each down and forgive each one. Pray for your own forgiveness for holding unforgiveness in your heart, then pray blessing each name on your list.

I won't share in detail the results of this challenge. Most of the folks on my list probably wouldn't see a valid reason for being there. The others would have valid reasons to put me on a list of their own. Most of us don't set out consciously to harm those we love. And usually only those we love harm us. Obviously, I'm not speaking of being the victim of a crime. Just those niggling emotional pains that are so hard to overcome and so hard to forgive.

Which is why we don't forgive just once. People can't just forgive and forget; we're not wired that way. We are hurt. We forgive. Then, like a dog toying with a bone, we pull that hurt out at a low point and examine it anew. So we forgive again. Sometimes we're forgiving ourselves over and over.

Confession. Reconciliation. Penance. All names for the wonderful Sacrament where Christ, through the priest, forgives and ABSOLVES our sins. Even the same ones, over and over. That IS the wonder of forgiveness!

Restore: Wonderstruck

Once again, I was wrong. The title of the book is one word. And the next challenge encourages me to find something in the house that needs restoring. There is plenty in this old farmhouse that could use some TLC; the problem is there is no money in the budget to get what is needed to provide it. So this challenge will go unmet.

However, I can meditate on the wondrous work of restoration God has made in my life. He took someone who had given up and raised her head. He took someone who was certain she would be alone always and gave her a family. But more than that, He drew me to Himself. I now have the fullness of faith available in the Catholic Church. I am strengthened through Reconciliation and fed by the Eucharist. THAT is the wonder of restoration!

Relationship: Wonder Struck

This challenge is to be fully present with someone, fully myself. It consists of both knowing and being known.

I try to live this way with my family. Unfortunately, I am not always available to them. With bipolar disorder and fibromyalgia, I am low energy. I take a nap daily.

This week especially I have tried to give my full attention to my loved ones as they speak. My youngest daughter has benefited from this greatly.

And I have received benefits as well. I tried to be fully present in the confessional this week, making eye contact with Father as he gave me suggestions for right living, listening carefully to every word of Absolution. What a beautiful Sacrament! Oh, the wonder of relationship!

Forgiveness: Wonder Struck

The challenge for day 6 is to forgive yourself. It is obvious Margaret Feinberg is not Catholic. She suggests writing down all the things I find difficult to forgive myself. Give each to God, then rip the paper up to keep no record of wrongs. This is a fine practice, but it doesn't go far enough.

The Catholic Sacrament of Reconciliation is most effective. The priest acts in the place of Christ, so I can be assured as I confess my sins the vertical relationship between me and God will be set right. Some of the sins I find hard to forgive of myself involve others. This is where Ms. Feinberg's  method falls short. In Confession, however, the priest represents those others and can restore the horizontal relationship that perhaps had been broken years ago with people I am not likely to see again to ask forgiveness from directly.

My usual practice when participating in Reconciliation is to prepare with an examination of conscience. I write down what I will confess. When I have been absolved, have done my penance, I come home with a clean soul to burn that paper in our small grill. And I thank God for the wonder of forgiveness!

The Lenten Pilgrimage

"Lent is a journey, a pilgrimage! Yet, as we begin it, as we make the first step into the 'bright sadness' of Lent, we see - far away - the destination. It is the joy of Easter; it is the entrance into the glory of the Kingdom. And it is the vision, the foretaste of Easter, that makes Lent's sadness bright and our Lenten effort a 'spiritual spring.' "
                              --Fr. Alexander Schememann, Great Lent


This quote I found  this morning in one of the many books I have going right now. ( A Monastic Year: Reflections From A Monastery by Brother Victor-Antoine D'Avila-Latourrette. ) It sounds so...HOPEFUL. So...not me.

I am having a difficult Lent. That's an understatement. I am having a humanly impossible Lent. Of course, that's the idea. It's supposed to be humanly impossible. Everything comes from God; what we partake of, what we abstain from, the courage and perseverance to do both....

I have bipolar disorder. For a month now I have been in a semi-hypomanic state. I'm much more "comfortable" with a depressive state; it's what I'm used to - it's familiar - I get to sleep! The state I'm experiencing now...no sleep, but no bursts of energy that generally comes with hypomania. High anxiety, irritability; my language has deteriorated to the point where growling swear words is the height of conversation. My poor family. I struggle against spending my husband's hard-earned money. Yet there's no non-stop flow of creativity that usually comes in a manic state. All the pains - none of the "perks". And it's lasting FOREVER! My body generally can't sustain mania for more than a week. It is exhausting.

But it is Lent. And I never know where the disease ends and plain old sin begins. So I spend time in the confessional - wishing it had a revolving door. And I beg forgiveness from my Beloved and our children - glad they have short memories and long mercies.

Lent this year is an endless sand dune; the Easter destination a blurry mirage. Even sundays do not bring an oasis to my soul. I am dry, arid, parched. With every step I climb the shifting sands throw me back. But we're half-way there somehow. I am crawling on hands and knees... forward...the only direction I care to go. God will surely bless the efforts. I will arrive at Easter a dessicated pilgrim with grit under her nails; but I will ARRIVE!

Please pray for my Spiritual spring as I pray for yours.

Revolving-Door Confessional

My husband and I used to tag-team for the Sacrament of Reconciliation. One would watch the increasing number of little children while the other would enter the confessional. Then, after lucky number one's penance was done, he or she would watch the children so the spouse could be shriven. By the time said spouse was finished, number one's soul did not feel so bright and shiny any longer after dealing with the stresses little children inevitably bring and a return trip to the confessional was often joked about. This is when we began talking about the need for a confessional with a revolving door.

Concupiscence. Paul in Romans 8 describes it well, saying he does what he doesn't want to do, and doesn't do what he would like. We all know it well; but I am a worm and know it better than most.

I went to avail myself of the Sacrament of Reconciliation Saturday. Truly contrite and profoundly grateful for absolution, I said my penance next to my oldest daughter in the back row right which seems to be reserved for penitents in our church. Then, since we were staying for Mass, we moved forward in the church, where I sat contentedly contemplating Jesus on the Cross. Yes, God forgive me, I was looking at the crucifix in church, speaking with my Lord, and perfectly content. Complacent. Complacency does me in every time.

One of the entrances to our church needs repaired; the door slams shut rather than closing slowly and quietly. Most of the people know this, but don't think to catch the door and close it themselves. The third time the door's slam interrupted my reverie my first thought was "Damn it, can't you catch the door?!" My eyes travelled back to Jesus on the cross. I was no longer content, but convicted. My sins, including these just committed, had put Him there. Not only had I used foul language IN CHURCH, but I was being uncharitable to my fellow parishioners (I have a special problem with being charitable and never fail to mention it in the confessional). I felt I should make an about-face and march right back into the booth. Then I saw the Sacristan heading to the back with Father's chasuble. Too late.

Fortunately, these were venial sins and receiving Jesus' Precious Body wiped those sins away. My own contrite heart was fertile ground for His saving action. I thought I had a bright, shiny soul - for ten minutes! Turns out my attitude of heart and mind may have made the time less than that. Concupiscence. I still need a revolving-door confessional.