Family Book Group

So last month, Sarah and I could not get to a book club we've joined; we held a book discussion on The Pearl by John Steinbeck at home, just we two. (I downloaded discussion questions.) We had so much fun together! Sarah suggested we have a family book study - some of our other people were game, so we chose a book and a date for the discussion and began reading.

The Professor and the Madman by Simon Winchester was our choice to read together...our discussion was last night. What a treat! Again, discussion questions were available on line (these just spur further talk about the book). There were four of us: Bill, Sarah, Christopher, and I. It generated sharing, and laughter, and philosophical ramblings.

In furthering a point, Bill read an excerpt from another book; Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness. We enjoyed that snippet so much, we chose it for our next book. Then we set a discussion date for next month. Everyone is free to jump in or out at any time. It's a great reason to come together; to hear what our adult children think; to get more parental love into their tanks. A great idea - thank you Sarah!

Where I'm From: Dad

 We had Dad's birthday party almost a month ago. I decorated the Fellowship Hall of their church in green oak leaves and acorns. I purchased a beautiful print of an oak, based on a watercolor painting by a young man named Antony based in Kiev. Bill and I matted and framed it; after the party was over I gave it to Dad as a gift. I also wrote a poem for him. Ages ago a meme of sorts went around social media of free-form poetry titled "Where I'm From...". Earlier in my blog I wrote where I am from; two poems, each representing one side of my family. Here is the one I wrote for Dad:

I'm from Somerset, Kentucky and Columbus, Indiana. From the big house on Chestnut, from which I couldn't leave on my own.

I'm from a mule-riding sheriff and my maternal aunt also my paternal grandma.

I'm from an uncle for whom I was named, who died from a Kamikaze pilot.

I'm from a Dad who walked to the hospital to have a brain tumor removed; and from the miracle that removed the tumor first.

I'm from bluegrass and big noses and a near-replay of a family feud.

From iron skillets, outhouses,and a home bursting at the seams from my parents' generosity.

I'm from beans and cornbread, cherry pie, and a full table.

I'm from big gardens and garter snakes - wrapped around the doorknob for Mom's "pleasure".

I'm from drowned baby ducks, and a little brother who also drowned.

From a one-room school and skipping a grade, and putting one over on my physics teacher.

I'm from a pink Chrysler and dyeing my clothes to match; and a hayride where I met my future wife.

I'm from forgetting my dress shoes on my hotter-than-Hades wedding day.

From faith and hymns and singing in a quartet.

I'm from tending chickens and teaching my children not to be chicken.

From near-misses and miracles and the miraculous journey of life.

And now I'm from teaching my great-grandchildren about the miracles of the journey,just as I taught their parents, and their parents before them.

Legacy Box - The Hardest Thing

In your opinion, what is the most difficult thing a parent has to do?

Die to self. It's the most difficult thing a parent, a spouse ... any Christian has to do. A childhood and young adulthood  is spent finding autonomy then to overcome loneliness the young adult finds a mate to "be happy". Then children come along. If there is no reason (I.e. "I love God and my family for love of God") to put self in last place it's a miserable road for all.
This scenario is especially true in America where we are so spoiled; things are readily available. Venerable Fulton Sheen once said something along these lines, "Things are to be used and people are to be loved. We get into trouble when we love things and use people."
If God calls you to parenthood, teach your children about true Christianity early. Learning to die to self early can only help in their future vocations. You, my children, are well on your way.

Dying to self. Learning to serve. Loving. That is the hardest thing anyone - in any walk of life - has to do. Lord, help me love as You do!

Legacy Box - Love

In my legacy box today: Does your definition of love change throughout your life?

Your definition, your understanding of that definition, the way you express love...all of that changes throughout your life. You do what you can with what you know then when you know better you do better, to paraphrase Maya Angelou. As a child love is that sense of security your parents give you. As a teenager it's that electricity you feel when a certain someone comes near. As a newlywed you realize it's both the feeling, the electric zap, and the security, "I can be myself with this person and he will not leave". As an older married couple love begins to focus on the other; how can I ease his path today? It's more active, less reactive. It (love) is always a choice, but never more so than in the middle of the night when one child is vomiting and the baby is crying and the parents haven't had a full night's sleep in seven years. To desire the good of the other is love.

I have not arrived. I am a highly selfish creature. Innately selfish; concupiscently selfish... and I have several medical conditions that often leave me inwardly focused. Yet I recognize love. My husband loves me as Christ loves the Church. His is a mature, generous, desiring-the-good-of-the-other love. I am beyond blessed to be his other.

Legacy Box - A Long Marriage

In my legacy box this morning was this question, "What is the secret to a long marriage?" Bill and I have been married seventeen years. We've already outlasted his parents' marriage (and those of over fifty percent of couples today). Yet, as I prepare a celebration for my parents' fiftieth anniversary next year, and as I look forward to the rest of our lives, Bill and I are just babies in this marriage business! But here's my best shot:

God! "A cord with three strands is not easily broken." Pray for and with each other, attend church as a family, read and share insights from spiritual books. Realize that you are your spouse's best chance to get to Heaven; take that seriously. Pray fervently for him, admonish him gently if he steps off the Path (do this out of sight and hearing of the children), praise him often, thank him more often. Be the spouse you want to have. Continue to grow throughout your marriage. You cannot change your spouse, only yourself. Pray. Communication, with God and each other, is important. But words, although small, are strong. Like bricks. Don't throw them around in anger, tearing things apart. Use them intentionally, building your relationship home. Touch is important as well, the kind that "leads somewhere" as well as that of solidarity. And pray.

I have to admit, Bill is much closer to this ideal than I. I have room and (God willing) time for improvement. The pain of marital discord and/or divorce must be incredible. And unfortunately, someone could follow my "advice" and still find himself in that situation. I'm so sorry we live in a fallen world. That we cannot choose our crosses. Although, now that I think of it, who would choose that cross anyway? Who would choose any cross? I think I've just wandered into another topic for another day. I'm off to strengthen my marriage!

Legacy Box - Wedding Day

I've gotten to the "Your Courtship and Marriage" section in my Legacy Box now.  Yesterday's entry said, "Tell about your wedding day." This is what I wrote:

I had "planned" an outdoor wedding since I could first start dreaming of my wedding. We were going to marry in the amphitheater at Brown County State Park, with blooming dogwoods and redbuds in the background. But May 11, 1996 was 50 degrees Fahrenheit and drizzly so Bill decreed the wedding would be held indoors at the Abe Martin Lodge for the comfort of our guests. It really was the only logical decision to make. But he didn't consult me before making it! If he could make a decision that so drastically altered the wedding day without asking the bride, what did that foreshadow for the marriage? I very nearly did not go through with it. What he saw as a logical decision in just another day I saw as decisions continually made for me for the rest of my life without my input or consent no matter what plans I've already made. We've grown.

Now. A little more information. Bill stayed in the lodge the night before our wedding with his family and I stayed in a cabin with my folks. No phone. (Or cell phones.) We stuck with the STUPID old chestnut of "bad luck for groom to see bride before wedding" (who thought that nonsense up anyway?). The Abe Martin Lodge was our put-into-the-invitation backup plan. I did not hear of the change of plans from Bill (obviously), but from our wonderful photographer. I did not react well. Bill was surrounded by people; his family, early guests, our best man, my brothers (who served as ushers), the minister, the families of these assorted personages, not to mention the Lodge employees who took such good care of us. Many of these people, I found out YESTERDAY, were pressuring Bill to move the venue inside. He claims he can't remember who in specific. I was ALONE. My parents were decorating the amphitheater and my matron of honor, my Aunt Becky, chose to dress in her camper. I guess it didn't occur to her I might need supported.

So I'm preparing myself, absolutely torn as to whether I should marry this man at all. I cried all the first make-up off. I prayed a great deal. What carried the day was putting myself in his position. I knew this man I loved so much was very logical AND very thoughtful. With the weather the way it was, in his mind there really wasn't another choice. And while I was thinking 20 minutes on cool stone seats wasn't out of anyone's capabilities, he was truly thoughtful of our guests. These lovely folks had taken time out of their lives to share in our happiness - the least we could do is make them comfy.

So I married him. I've never regretted it. Shortly before I entered the Church we convalidated  our marriage in the Church. No outdoor weddings for our children; if God calls them to marriage they will be married in the church. Bill had always dreamed of being married in a church; we both made some compromises in our wedding. I hope I teach our children this: the wedding is just one day. Prepare for the marriage.

Legacy Box - Dad

From my Legacy Box this morning; Do you and your father share any interests? Tell about your relationship as a child and as an adult.

We share many interests: the outdoors, walking, woodlore, animals, reading, writing, poetry, watching sports, a conservative viewpoint, a Christian worldview.

I had and still have a good relationship with my father. There are things on which we disagree; as a child I just didn't discuss those topics. As a teen I badgered him with "what-if" until I got the answer I wanted. Now as adults we can gently tease each other about those issues, recognizing our differences in love with humor, letting the other know it's alright. The differences can stay because the love will stay, too.

My Dad could also cast me into tears with just a look. He never had to spank me - if he let me know he was disappointed in me I was devastated.

LISTEN. I love to listen to my Dad. Sometimes he liked to talk; he's gotten more garrulous as he's gotten older. And there are gems in there.

Our Legacy

In Mom's Group several years ago we made a legacy box. It's a recipe box with index cards of questions for us moms to answer  concerning childhood, courtship, marriage, motherhood, and spirituality. I've finally gotten around to answering the questions in this box. Today's question: How are your children the same? How are they different?

A little background; when we bless our children we say, "(child's name), my beloved son/daughter, you are a joy and a delight and I thank God for you. May Almighty God bless you in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit."

Primo is delightful, with a quirky sense of humor and a ready smile or laugh. He is teaching himself to respond appropriately to the emotions of others which, because of the Aspergers, is one of his weak points. This shows resiliency and courage.

Secunda is a delight, loving and patient, with my own sarcastic wit (only nicer). She does get overwhelmed easily if she is rushed and so must learn to manage her time wisely.

Tertio is a delight - exuberant, boisterous, and "all boy". He must learn to breathe; well and deeply, when faced with an uncertain situation and CALMLY ask questions.

Quarta is delightful; she is graceful, charming, just a bit shy. She will have to put herself forward more as she matures, so people outside the family can appreciate her gifts.

Quinta is a delight, sweet with a ready laugh. Willing to help. She needs to overcome intransigence about everything else, learn to manage her emotions, so she can feel more self-assured.

Our children are joys and delights and we thank God for each one of them. They each have challenges to face to become all God intends. They are beloved.