New Year, New Goals

The beginning of a new year. I used Jen Fulwiler's  Saint Generator, and was chosen by St. Paul the first Hermit. His patronage is of the clothing industry and weavers. Fascinating, as  I hope to include sewing and woven jewelry into my projects this year.

I also used Jen's Word of the Year Generator. My word is PURPOSE. I love it! I know my purpose is to get my family to Heaven and my chief commitment is to family and home. I pray daily that my kids...anyone...may only see Christ when they look at me. And now that I'm healthy and have energy I can bring order and peace to our home.

My purpose is also to be a fitting helpmeet to my husband. I feel a great urge to pray with him daily and to do more to help with expenses. I hope to make a boatload of sellable crafts and set up a booth at craft fairs, bazaars, etc. As I get more proficient with more complex items I may set up on Etsy - but that will be a few years down the road. I'll need to start small and build up. I'd like to recruit some of the kids to work with me and perhaps pay them with the proceeds. That too will take some time. We'll see how it goes.

I also chose a Focus Word: LEAN. Since gastric bypass surgery I've lost about 80 pounds. I continue to lose weight and am determined to reach my goal of 135 pounds by April 13th (one year out from surgery). About 30 pounds to go - it is doable. I wish to exercise daily; core exercises every other day with other targeted areas on the off days. A walk daily with Bill and the therapy pool as often as possible. My body will get toned and lean; I'll be strong enough to answer any call of God and will be taking care of my temple.

LEAN has other meanings as well. I plan to lean into our Father, relying on His Strength and Providence. To do this I need to speak with Him daily, get to Mass regularly, try to add a daily Mass or two to my schedule, Lectio Divina, continue my Adoration hour (it's SO fruitful!), volunteer when needed, practice hospitality. Add these in a little at a time so there's no overwhelm. Make good habits.

It's obvious I need some kind of schedule. There's always appointments to get to, Monica has school, meals and prep time need to be added...it may be challenging but it will be doable.

I also want to blog this journey. Sunday is a good day to do that: one day a week is a good starting goal.

Whew! Exciting plans! I'm a turtle, though, not a hare. Slow and steady wins the race. One goal at a time will be implemented. That way all will be accomplished well. I'll refer to my list of goals often, I think. Otherwise I'll forget my motivation and lose my way. It's a "long and winding road" that leads to God's door, but I'm on the way. One foot in front of the other and I'll finish the course. Walk with me.

Unexpectedly Caught Up...And Yet,,,

I am one month and one week ot from gastric bypass surgery. That first week, I lost about twenty pounds of excess weight. What?! The next week I lost two pounds. What?? Did I do something wrong? 

From then on, it's been two-four pounds weekly. I know this rate of loss is much healthier. I can't expect the pounds to just melt off, twenty pounds a week, until I'm at that impossible-seeming goal; the proper BMI for someone my height. I was unexpectedly caught up in the numbers on the scale.

I did this for my health. The weight loss was secondary - I wasn't interested in that. A nice bonus, but not part of my health goal. And yet...it is. The more weight I lose, the less my knee hurts (I currently have a disability tag in my car in order to park in handicapped spaces because the knee pain and instability were so bad. I had to use a cane, and scooters in the store.) The more weight I lose, the less my SI joints hurts (four injections over a year; none helped for long.) The more weight I lose, the less stress on my heart, my blood vessels, my legs and feet...the less inflammation in my body. That means even less pain; possibly an end to migraines, less arthritis pain, less fibromyalgia.... Since this journey began, I've had one day of overall pain...I felt as though I'd been beat. Everything hurt. The day before, though, I had WAY overdid it. Not even cleared for exercise, and my Beloved and I wandered around Allerton a long while the day before. By the next day, after the pain day, I was fine. Once I had a headache. Just an ordinary, run-of-the-mill headache. Don't know when that last happened. Before, all headaches slipped into migraines almost before I could register them. Incontinence even seems to be gone. I have no idea what the mechanism behind that is, but I will take it!

So. I did this for my health, thinking the weight loss was just a happy benefit. And almost despaired when I realized I was so shallow as to get caught up in how many pounds I'd lost. Vain. Fitting right in with society; pervading, invasive American culture. I wanted my mind on HEALTH, not weight loss. And yet, weight loss is health.

I have lost 24% of excess body fat. I have lost 5 BMI points. No longer considered morbidly obese, just obese. I'm on my way to health through weight loss. Please pray for me.

Freedom from...is this a sin?

"He does not ration his gift of the Spirit."       --John 3:34

"Thou hast multiplied, O Lord my God, thy wondrous deeds and thy thoughts toward us; none can compare with thee! Were I to proclaim and tell all of them, they would be more than can be numbered."       --Ps 40:5

I never thought my eating habits were a problem. When I cooked for the family (which, admittedly, was rarely) we had a meat, a starch, and a non-starchy vegetable. Since I often was nearly bedridden, my husband or , again rarely, one or more of my daughters cooked; the servings of starch went up and the vegetables pretty much... disappeared. Now I really can't complain, right? He's doing this wonderful service for me, which shows he loves me, because most of the time he's wiped out too. Brain work, requiring concentration and attention to details, many times is more taxing than physical work. So we'd end up in a "carb coma" for a short time, needing a nap, and wake ready to nosh. Eating much more than intended, and much more than necessary, on a particular day. Is this a sin?

I was/am? also an emotional eater. Angry with one of the kids? Stuff that emotion down with some chips. Frustrated with Bill? Push it in with some cheese and crackers, A LOT of cheese and crackers. Simply bored? Popcorn, nicely buttered, is always a panacea. The list goes on: grieving, exhausted, sad, happy, energetic, lonely, need a reward...all were "satisfied" with unhealthy, in nature or in portion size, food. Is that a sin?

Yes. They both are sins. The first: "Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you? If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him. For God's temple is holy, and you are that temple." (1 Cor 3:16-17) 

The second is a sin because I'm not relying on the Lord, I'm trying to fill a God-sized hole with food; it doesn't work. "For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit... ." (Rom 8:5)

Our family is quite fond of the Aubrey/Maturin series of books written by Patrick O'Brien. In _Blue at the Mizzen, before telling Captain Jack Aubrey about a naval attack on Valparaiso, Chile, the naturalist, spy, and ship's doctor, Stephen Maturin says, "I tell you most solemnly that I must be fed." "Well, if your god is your belly, I suppose you must worship it," said Jacob.

Our god has been our belly. We are to "abstain from every form of evil." (1 Thess 5:22) "I appeal to you, therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship." (Rom 12:1)

"Nevertheless,He did not come to abolish all evils here below, but to free men from the greatest slavery, sin, which causes all forms of human bondage. (CCC #549)

Health and Mercy

"The last degree of love is when He gave Himself to be our Food; because He gave Himself to be united with us in every way."                                         ---St. Bernardine of Sienna

On April 13th I had Roux-en-Y Gastric Bypass surgery. I chose to do this in order to gain some form of health; type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, constant pain from fibromyalgia, arthritis, migraines, back issues (my SI joints were getting routine corticosteroid injections) ... lingering pain from knee replacement surgery done in 2008 and mildly damaged in 2015. I had no energy, no stamina, virtually no hope. I mourned the person I used to be: capable and strong. I no longer canoed, or hiked, or camped, or socialized, or just about anything. I didn't have the spoons. If I did have a good day, inevitably I did too much, and would have to spend the next few days in bed doing nothing. When does invalid become in-valid? For that's how I felt: isolated, useless, forgotten. And there was unrelenting pain.

After some research, I realized this surgery would help more of my conditions than anything else. I had accepted the fact that my body's set point for weight was around 250 lbs., a lot to carry on a 5' 4" frame, but there you have it. I took this option for HEALTH. The weight loss was just lagniappe.

So. Surgery the 13th. I followed all the rules preparing for the surgery - a highly motivated candidate. My last blood sugar pre-op was 197: the first post-op was 115. Half of my medications are gone: my body can no longer absorb them properly. Others have lesser dosages. My way of eating is forever changed, of course, and exercise must become my good friend. it's worth the cost...I've had more energy the last week than I've had in years! My family has to keep reminding me to take a break. There has been no pain other than the incision sites. Not a headache, let alone a migraine. I have stamina. BP readings are on the low side of normal. I've lost 9 lbs. (as of Wed. I only weigh once a week.)  I'm 11 days out from surgery. If it can make a difference that quickly, just imagine the possibilities! Oh, I've been. 

This surgery has been a Blessing: a Mercy.

Today is Divine Mercy Sunday on the Church calendar. In Dives in Misericordia, Pope Saint John Paul II tells us that Divine Mercy is the ultimate manifestation of God's love in a history injured by sin. John 3:16 declares "God so loved the world that He gave His only Son." In the Easter vigil we proclaim, "To redeem the slave He has sacrificed the Son." Our own despicable situation, caused by sin, is placed by God into the loving heart of Jesus, faithful to the Will of the Father and Food for our souls. That's Mercy.

In today's second reading we find, "I, John, your brother, who share with you the distress, the Kingdom, and the endurance we have in Jesus..." We are all distressed. The sin in our life strangles, maims, leaves us spiritually bedridden. Then Christ appears; makes us valid through the Sacraments, shows us the Kingdom as long as we endure in His Way.

"Let those who fear the LORD say, 'His mercy endures forever."       ---Ps. 118:4

Not at this time

I have several health conditions; pain conditions, that keep my activities in check. These conditions have gotten markedly worse in the last few months. So much so that I'm considering withdrawing from Boy Scouts, which is my only volunteer position at the moment, takes the most out of me when I participate fully, and is one of my biggest joys.

The local theater group is auditioning for a production of Twelve Angry Women this week; and I thought it would be fun to audition. I would love to get involved in something that maybe wouldn't take so much of my energy, where I could meet potential friends. However, if I were to get a part, the rehearsals, I'm sure, would be at night. I can no longer drive at night (I can, but vision issues make me feel unsafe), so Bill would have to drive me. The actual performances will be held at a busy time for our family; we have other obligations. So. Not at this time.

I will have to keep thinking it through. Whether to quit Boy Scouts. To add something new if my pain and energy level can handle it. At the moment, that's a NO. Though I desperately want to. I cry thinking about giving up things that bring me joy. Becoming bedridden. I really don't want to offer it up; I want to keep going!

Father God, help me accept my situation as it is. Help me offer my suffering in accord with your will. Oh, help me be holy! Amen

What's Wrong With Me!...No More Perfect Bodies

Fibromyalgia, arthritis, irritable bowel syndrome, obesity, an ulcer, a knee-replacement, bipolar disorder, migraines, kidney stones, and dozens of minor issues I deal with on a daily basis. That's what's wrong with me. Looked at in one clump like that it could be a little depressing. But praise God, this litany of ails does not define me. He does.

I tend to selfishness, to laziness. I think God allowed me to have these pain conditions knowing they would make or break me spiritually.  They definitely draw me nearer to Him! When the Great Physician looks at me, He does not see a bundle of ailments; He sees my heart. Thoughts, emotions, motives, desires...my HEART.  That's all about Him: loving, knowing, serving Him in this world and spending eternity with Him in the next.

In "No More Perfect Bodies" Jill reminds us we were "bought at a price" (cf 1 Cor 6:19-20). Our bodies belong to God. They are the home of the Holy Spirit. It is a stewardship issue to take care of them. This is a message I needed to hear.  I hear "lose weight and exercise" from so many different avenues that I just greet it with an eye roll now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Eat less. Move more. Got it. Yawn.  But stewardship?  Actually managing my body like I manage my time, my money, my children's faith  formation? Hhhmmm. That's a concept of truth and I have some explaining to do.

It also occurs to me this body stewardship has other applications as well. You don't go into it to get to the ideal weight or to look a certain way for a certain person, but to get as healthy as you can be. In this manner you will be prepared for the next task God will call you to. Whatever mission He has in mind for you - you can go. I went on a mission trip to Haiti as a teenager; spent the first few days in a mountain village. Walked back down into St. Marc in my skirt in the heat, with my fat thighs rubbing together the whole way. Eight miles. I was in agony. Couldn't move on to the next village in my itinerary; had to stay in the orphanage that served as our home base. Had I been in better shape it wouldn't have happened. A stewardship issue determines whether you continue to serve where you are (which is good) or serve where you're called (which is better).

When God sees us through eyes of grace, He sees possibilities not liabilities. Tend to the heart before you tend to the body when you want to make a change because anything done without God is done in vain. He wants me to enjoy the gift of my body and take care of it.

I'm REALLY Imperfect - Buy This Book Now

There are no perfect moms. I'm more imperfect than most. I have faulty genes; also known as bipolar disorder NOS. My challenging  mental condition is usually controlled quite well by the medication I take. However, this week has been a rough one - full of rage and tears. My poor children have borne the brunt of these emotional excesses. They don't understand the disorder; but they understand me. My eldest daughter has read up on my illness and we've all spoken about it when I'm calm; she's able to remind them it's not personal when I lash out or when I piteously sob and can't tell them why because I don't know why. But it still hurts. I know. I've been there. The tendency is hereditary and I know precisely where it came from and after a week like this there's always crushing guilt that maybe I, too, have passed it on to one or more of my beautiful ones. And they gather round me with open arms and brimming eyes, ever ready to extend mercy and incredible love.

From the introduction of No More Perfect Moms: "While we're pursuing perfection, we're missing out on the most precious parts of life: the laughter of silliness, the joy of spontaneity, the lessons found in failure, and the freedom found in grace." (Italics mine.)

On a brighter note...this is the week! Buy this wonderful book this week. Why?  Moody Publishing and Hearts at Home have teamed up to provide you with over $100 of free resources! Six presentations in Mp3 format (can't wait to hear Jennifer Rothschild, and as a homeschooling mama "Multiple Intelligences" presented by Dr. Kathy Koch will be invaluable, I'm thinking!); some inspirational printables; and three (3!) e-books! Who doesn't need to live free, have more grateful kids, and read another offering by Jill Savage? And that's not all! You'll also be entered into a drawing to win hotel accommodations and two Hearts at Home Conference registrations for you and a friend. Too cool! Can I use any more exclamation points!!!

I am registered for the conference; I have a ride lined up with two wonderful Mom's Group friends; I'm looking forward to the recharging of my Mission. In the meantime, there is calming breaths. There is the arms of my family. Their whispered love. There is grace. Thank God.

Bittersweet Birthday

My baby turned eight yesterday. Her birthday is always bittersweet to me. I celebrate the wonderful, beautiful, joyful child Quinta is. Oh, how I celebrate that! But there's always a little regret on this day that there will be no more children born to us. Even now, as I approach my 47th birthday, that regret is there.

Quinta's pregnancy was my sixth. The others had been difficult; with dangers for Mom and Baby, so our approach was super-cautious. When I began spotting at 12 weeks, I went on bedrest. Saw the obstetrician every two weeks with an ultrasound every month. That got us to 36 weeks, when a minor placental abruption and fetal distress called for an emergency c-section.

I got a spinal epidural, so I was awake during the procedure. Her birth was uneventful; she was whisked to the NICU to be taken care of, accompanied by her daddy. I was feeling terrible. I could feel tugging and hear intense whispering of my surgical team. Then I felt heat and blackness at once over my face as I heard someone say, "Hang a unit of blood!"

"It's a miracle she was ever pregnant at all." The gentle assistant surgeon's voice was the first thing I heard as I came to consciousness. Then my own Catholic doctor's voice as she leaned over me, "It's gone, Lisa. We had to take it." She was talking about my uterus. My womb. Gone. My first reaction? Relief. I've regretted the circumstance ever since; but the first reaction was relief.

We had talked about the possibility of this happening. Four of my previous pregnancies had ended in abruptio placentae; with this latest abruption...the more abruptions a woman has, the greater her risk of placenta accreta, where the placenta will not detach from the wall of the uterus. This was indeed what had happened to me. I fainted from blood loss caused by trying to deliver a placenta so deeply embedded into the uterine wall that it was pulling the uterus inside-out. I only needed two units of blood because they responded so quickly to the need, getting the diseased uterus out. I woke as they were examining the uterus, which was so full of endometrial scars and fibroid tumors that it was indeed a miracle I had ever been pregnant.

God gave me six miracles; yet I regret not having more. A dear friend once accused me of "collecting" children. Is that what I'm doing? Not loving each of my miracles enough because I want to accumulate more? I don't think so. I don't have "baby fever" each time I hold the tiny blessings my friends have. It's just when Quinta's birthday rolls around, so near to my own birthday, that this regret creeps in to lessen the joy just a bit. Bittersweet.

Catching Up

I hadn't realized how long it's been since my last post about my family. So I'll take them in order:

My husband has been having palpitations that occasionally leave him dizzy. We can't seem to get the right dosage of beta-blockers to control them. So I do most of the driving. We're slowly finding triggers: caffeine is a biggie, so he's gone totally decaf.

I'm once again having sleep issues: I was taking 2 naps a day of 2-4 hours each and still falling into bed exhausted by 9:00. I've had all the blood tests, everything is in the normal range. Had a sleep study; I do not have sleep apnea. My oxygen saturation did drop to 88-89, which I find quite concerning, but apparently the Doctor doesn't; my follow-up is scheduled for September. So I live on caffeine tablets and high-octane coffee in order to accomplish anything. Makes my breasts hurt. Speaking of those girls - I had a little scare after the routine mammogram this year. Mills called back, said there was a shadow on the scan and could I come in for a repeat? They wanted to do it the next day, but my schedule was such I couldn't do it for almost a week. In that time, a gorgeous, generous little girl I know had a birthday party in which she raised money for women with "sick boobies" that went to the Mills Breast Cancer Institute and my Aunt Janet had her first chemo-therapy following a mastectomy for breast cancer. So after a thorough and painful repeat scan I was told immediately everything was fine; it was just a shadow on the original scan. Relief!

Primo is doing well enough with the Asperger's Syndrome that he no longer has to have one-on-one psychiatrist visits. He is still involved with a social skills group with Dr. K. He loves Boy Scouts; went to Camp Drake probably for the last time, though. It's his third year in a row and I don't know how much new he can do there. He had braces put on this year and must do a better job brushing!

Secunda is wise beyond her years and I may rely on her too much. We're coming to the end of the Humatrope; her Rx has ran out, so when we've used up what's left in the fridge she's done with nightly injections. The Supralin implant was taken out of her arm; Dr. W thought she would begin having periods within the month. We're still waiting, but not in any hurry. We're prepared for when it does happen. She is wearing her glasses all the time now. She has decided just to be a social member at Girl Scouts this year.

Tertio has broken himself of the finger-sucking habit! He still enjoys his ratty old blankies, but no longer sucks his finger while holding them. He still eschews pants, preferring to run about the house in his underwear (which makes Primo fuss, an added benefit in Tertio's mind!). He will start seeing Dr. K one-on-one this month. He went to Cub Scout Day Camp and to Adventure Camp at Camp Drake, from which we came home early mainly because the boys weren't treating him very well.

Quatorce is doing well. She is my nurturer, laying her cool hand on a hot head when someone is not feeling well. She got new glasses this year, then found the old ones whose loss made the new ones necessary. She loves being a Brownie in Girl Scouts and hates being left out of anything.

Quinta... we're in "wait and see" mode with her. I hate that mode! I don't want to put an implant in her arm yet or give her monthly shots to suppress her hormones, but it seems to me her breasts just keep growing. We see Dr. J in Oct. and I think something will have to be done then. In the meantime, she enjoys the priviledged status of baby of the family that lets her get away with more than she really should get away with. She's a Daisy Girl Scout and is very excited that she will have Religious Ed classes this year, too, with all her brothers and sisters.

Help my Unbelief!

Secunda and I took Quinta for her check with the endocrinologist at Riley. Secunda has Precocious Puberty and Growth Hormone Deficiency; she knew all the tests Dr. J might run and all the exams she would do. She was able to explain all that in an upbeat manner for Quinta, so there were no tears or meltdowns, just a healthy curiosity. It was a blessing having Secunda with us!

After a bone age scan of her hand, Quinta was examined by Dr. J. She is short, she has "significant" breast tissue, and her bone age was on the high side of normal. We determined not to "watch it" for a further six months. Given our experience with Secunda, we decided to go ahead and schedule a hormone stimulation test to see if she has Precocious Puberty. At the same time they will check her growth hormone levels to see if she has a deficiency.

Sometimes I think, "Yes, it's possible she has the same rare juxtaposition of disorders her sister has." At other times I think, "What are the odds of lightning striking twice?" And my mind strays to the possibility of a tumor on her pituitary or adrenal glands. And I'm a little bit frightened. I know God is with us, will be with us and will get us through whatever is in store. Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!