Fibromyalgia, arthritis, irritable bowel syndrome, obesity, an ulcer, a knee-replacement, bipolar disorder, migraines, kidney stones, and dozens of minor issues I deal with on a daily basis. That's what's wrong with me. Looked at in one clump like that it could be a little depressing. But praise God, this litany of ails does not define me. He does.
I tend to selfishness, to laziness. I think God allowed me to have these pain conditions knowing they would make or break me spiritually. They definitely draw me nearer to Him! When the Great Physician looks at me, He does not see a bundle of ailments; He sees my heart. Thoughts, emotions, motives, desires...my HEART. That's all about Him: loving, knowing, serving Him in this world and spending eternity with Him in the next.
In "No More Perfect Bodies" Jill reminds us we were "bought at a price" (cf 1 Cor 6:19-20). Our bodies belong to God. They are the home of the Holy Spirit. It is a stewardship issue to take care of them. This is a message I needed to hear. I hear "lose weight and exercise" from so many different avenues that I just greet it with an eye roll now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Eat less. Move more. Got it. Yawn. But stewardship? Actually managing my body like I manage my time, my money, my children's faith formation? Hhhmmm. That's a concept of truth and I have some explaining to do.
It also occurs to me this body stewardship has other applications as well. You don't go into it to get to the ideal weight or to look a certain way for a certain person, but to get as healthy as you can be. In this manner you will be prepared for the next task God will call you to. Whatever mission He has in mind for you - you can go. I went on a mission trip to Haiti as a teenager; spent the first few days in a mountain village. Walked back down into St. Marc in my skirt in the heat, with my fat thighs rubbing together the whole way. Eight miles. I was in agony. Couldn't move on to the next village in my itinerary; had to stay in the orphanage that served as our home base. Had I been in better shape it wouldn't have happened. A stewardship issue determines whether you continue to serve where you are (which is good) or serve where you're called (which is better).
When God sees us through eyes of grace, He sees possibilities not liabilities. Tend to the heart before you tend to the body when you want to make a change because anything done without God is done in vain. He wants me to enjoy the gift of my body and take care of it.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Sunday, February 10, 2013
He's Autistic - There Are No Perfect Kids
"He's autistic." I said it twice, once to the orthodontist, once to the dental technician trying to put spacers between the the teeth of my overgrown 11 yr old writhing in the chair, yelling "It hurts! What are you doing? Stop!" I said it not in explanation, but in apology. Then I felt shamed by my reaction. Because my children's imperfections are not a reflection of me and I don't ever want my sweet boy to be ashamed of how he was created because I treat his differences as "imperfections".
I know he feels pain differently; I know he needs things explained thoroughly before they're gone through. The failure was in my expectation that he was listening when the orthodontist was explaining. "We need to adjust our expectations to anticipate mistakes and even foresee misbehavior." (p.49) My embarrassment put a tone in my voice that could make my child feel "less than" for something over which he has no control. We should not let anger or embarrassment decide their punishment when they've done wrong, either; keep your emotions in check when handing out consequences (I need to try to keep my emotions in check at all times, given my own challenges).
Another area where I need work is being a "yes" mom. Too often I say "no" because of my own sense of selfishness or inconvenience. I now emphatically say "yes" to many things my children ask - the emphasis reminds me I'm helping them grow and yet allowing them to be children. "YES, you may play outside; bundle up." "YES, we'll play a board game; YOU must put it away when we're done." "YES, you can take up the entire downstairs to build a Lego city." (Okay, I didn't say "yes" to that one because they didn't ask before they did it - but I let them keep it there far longer than was safe for our feet!)
Some other things that caught my attention in this chapter:
Maturity of the brain doesn't happen until around age 25 (!). Making mistakes, trying, failing and trying again, is how the brain optimally grows. I often expect maturity from my kids before their brain is at that age and stage of development. Institute realistic expectations.
A child's desire to be independent is not personal to me as a parent. I'm supposed to be working toward that and out of my parenting job, right?
When my dreams for my children clash with reality I adjust my expectations and love my children unconditionally. This child is made uniquely by God - s/he can't be compared to anyone else.
Only God loves perfectly. But we are called to mirror His love that makes it safe to fail, safe to be who one is made to be. "Love is the language that needs to be spoken between imperfect mom and imperfect child." (p.66)
I know he feels pain differently; I know he needs things explained thoroughly before they're gone through. The failure was in my expectation that he was listening when the orthodontist was explaining. "We need to adjust our expectations to anticipate mistakes and even foresee misbehavior." (p.49) My embarrassment put a tone in my voice that could make my child feel "less than" for something over which he has no control. We should not let anger or embarrassment decide their punishment when they've done wrong, either; keep your emotions in check when handing out consequences (I need to try to keep my emotions in check at all times, given my own challenges).
Another area where I need work is being a "yes" mom. Too often I say "no" because of my own sense of selfishness or inconvenience. I now emphatically say "yes" to many things my children ask - the emphasis reminds me I'm helping them grow and yet allowing them to be children. "YES, you may play outside; bundle up." "YES, we'll play a board game; YOU must put it away when we're done." "YES, you can take up the entire downstairs to build a Lego city." (Okay, I didn't say "yes" to that one because they didn't ask before they did it - but I let them keep it there far longer than was safe for our feet!)
Some other things that caught my attention in this chapter:
Maturity of the brain doesn't happen until around age 25 (!). Making mistakes, trying, failing and trying again, is how the brain optimally grows. I often expect maturity from my kids before their brain is at that age and stage of development. Institute realistic expectations.
A child's desire to be independent is not personal to me as a parent. I'm supposed to be working toward that and out of my parenting job, right?
When my dreams for my children clash with reality I adjust my expectations and love my children unconditionally. This child is made uniquely by God - s/he can't be compared to anyone else.
Only God loves perfectly. But we are called to mirror His love that makes it safe to fail, safe to be who one is made to be. "Love is the language that needs to be spoken between imperfect mom and imperfect child." (p.66)
Friday, February 8, 2013
Send In The Replacements!
So now we move on to the antidote to the perfection infection. Pride, fear, insecurity, and judging keep us infected. Send in the replacements!
Pride is "cleverly costumed" in our lives - because it LOOKS like confidence. However, it is self-centered, self-focused, self-preserving. Jesus wants us to die to self. So replace pride with humility. The Latin humilitas means grounded or low. Grounded means one is not easily swayed. A grounded person isn't looking for recognition because she is at peace with her worth in the eyes of God.
Replace fear with courage. FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real. This is one I struggle with: I'm afraid of what people will think, I worry others will judge me, I fear rejection. Courageous women are still fearful; they just don't allow fear to stop them. Courage comes from knowing God is with me - to the very end of the age. He is my strength and salvation; of whom can I possibly be afraid? He loves me unconditionally. Because of that, I can love myself and others the same way.
Insecurity happens when the voices tell us we aren't enough. This is another of my challenge areas. The negative soundtrack that plays in my head keeps me feeling "less than". Less than others. Less than my best self. It paralyzes me from living out any potential; because I tell myself "I can't do it right, so I'd best not start". This statement can apply to anything from beginning a ministry at church to cleaning the toilet. As Jill says in her book, "Perfectionism is the best friend to procrastination." (I'm blogging instead of washing the breakfast dishes...and last night's supper dishes!) SO...replace insecurity with confidence. True confidence is really God-confidence. It's not necessarily believing in myself, but believing in what God can do through me. Even the dishes.
Replace judging with grace. We more often criticize others (even if only in our minds) than we give them the benefit of the doubt. Judgement is so divisive, demanding, ugly. It's very prideful and keeps us blinded to our own shortcomings. Grace is granting mercy; allowing someone else to make human errors without harsh critique.
Unrealistic expectations keep us from enjoying the real here-and-now lives we have. Simply change them, don't lower them. Replace them with realistic expectations. Humility, courage, confidence, and grace will help us be more realistic.
Pride is "cleverly costumed" in our lives - because it LOOKS like confidence. However, it is self-centered, self-focused, self-preserving. Jesus wants us to die to self. So replace pride with humility. The Latin humilitas means grounded or low. Grounded means one is not easily swayed. A grounded person isn't looking for recognition because she is at peace with her worth in the eyes of God.
Replace fear with courage. FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real. This is one I struggle with: I'm afraid of what people will think, I worry others will judge me, I fear rejection. Courageous women are still fearful; they just don't allow fear to stop them. Courage comes from knowing God is with me - to the very end of the age. He is my strength and salvation; of whom can I possibly be afraid? He loves me unconditionally. Because of that, I can love myself and others the same way.
Insecurity happens when the voices tell us we aren't enough. This is another of my challenge areas. The negative soundtrack that plays in my head keeps me feeling "less than". Less than others. Less than my best self. It paralyzes me from living out any potential; because I tell myself "I can't do it right, so I'd best not start". This statement can apply to anything from beginning a ministry at church to cleaning the toilet. As Jill says in her book, "Perfectionism is the best friend to procrastination." (I'm blogging instead of washing the breakfast dishes...and last night's supper dishes!) SO...replace insecurity with confidence. True confidence is really God-confidence. It's not necessarily believing in myself, but believing in what God can do through me. Even the dishes.
Replace judging with grace. We more often criticize others (even if only in our minds) than we give them the benefit of the doubt. Judgement is so divisive, demanding, ugly. It's very prideful and keeps us blinded to our own shortcomings. Grace is granting mercy; allowing someone else to make human errors without harsh critique.
Unrealistic expectations keep us from enjoying the real here-and-now lives we have. Simply change them, don't lower them. Replace them with realistic expectations. Humility, courage, confidence, and grace will help us be more realistic.
The Word of the Year...Authenticity!
I'm blogging through Jill Savage's latest release; No More Perfect Moms. And if you order it through the 9th, Moody publishing and Hearts at Home have teamed up to give you some great FREE resources. What a deal! What a Book!
I'm blogging about chapter 1 today; "The Perfection Infection". We all have it. It's ingrained in us. Even the very first humans thought, after listening to the serpent, there was something better than Paradise and broke the only rule they were given. Nowadays, that comparison game is perpetuated by television, advertising, and social media. But those images are all carefully cleaned up, presented beautifully, decidedly unrealistic. When we compare our messy real lives to those images we set ourselves up for failure, because we're comparing apples to oranges. We've no idea what's going on behind the scenes.
Even worse, we compare ourselves to each other. Again, we've no idea what goes on behind the scenes. I once heard a sermon illustration that illustrates this well:
"Oh, Lord, this cross is just too heavy for me. I cannot carry it any longer."
"Very well, my child. I will take it from you and put it in this room full of crosses. Now you choose which one you would like to carry."
The room was full of crosses, old and gnarled, fresh and still green. All large and heavy. Finally, in a corner, tucked away, I found one that seemed smaller than the rest. "This one, Lord. I think I can manage this one."
"But, my child, that's the one you came in with."
We all have challenges. None of us are alone, though we may feel isolated in our walk. Other women face the same struggles and challenges. the same social media that can increase our comparison games can give us access to support and strength from moms in and through the trenches we face.
Finally, we are all "contaminated" with perfection infection, but freedom can be found in authenticity. See, we are called to holiness - to be like Christ out of love for Christ. However, the perfection Jill is talking about is the one we strive for to be seen by men; to make people think better of us. We often wear masks to accomplish that - cleaning up our outsides so no one can see our frail humanness, our brokenness. But all it takes is honesty about the struggle, the challenge, the love and joy found through the challenges and struggles. One person is honest and that gives the next person courage to share some of their messiness. That humility brings us closer to holiness.
New Year's Resolutions don't last long, usually. By March, they've petered out. So I've joined the bandwagon of those who advocate a word for the year. Instead of grandiose plans for change that concupiscence overcomes, it distills your goals down to one word. Easily remembered. A focus. My word for this year? Authenticity. Keeping it real. Really for Him.
I'm blogging about chapter 1 today; "The Perfection Infection". We all have it. It's ingrained in us. Even the very first humans thought, after listening to the serpent, there was something better than Paradise and broke the only rule they were given. Nowadays, that comparison game is perpetuated by television, advertising, and social media. But those images are all carefully cleaned up, presented beautifully, decidedly unrealistic. When we compare our messy real lives to those images we set ourselves up for failure, because we're comparing apples to oranges. We've no idea what's going on behind the scenes.
Even worse, we compare ourselves to each other. Again, we've no idea what goes on behind the scenes. I once heard a sermon illustration that illustrates this well:
"Oh, Lord, this cross is just too heavy for me. I cannot carry it any longer."
"Very well, my child. I will take it from you and put it in this room full of crosses. Now you choose which one you would like to carry."
The room was full of crosses, old and gnarled, fresh and still green. All large and heavy. Finally, in a corner, tucked away, I found one that seemed smaller than the rest. "This one, Lord. I think I can manage this one."
"But, my child, that's the one you came in with."
We all have challenges. None of us are alone, though we may feel isolated in our walk. Other women face the same struggles and challenges. the same social media that can increase our comparison games can give us access to support and strength from moms in and through the trenches we face.
Finally, we are all "contaminated" with perfection infection, but freedom can be found in authenticity. See, we are called to holiness - to be like Christ out of love for Christ. However, the perfection Jill is talking about is the one we strive for to be seen by men; to make people think better of us. We often wear masks to accomplish that - cleaning up our outsides so no one can see our frail humanness, our brokenness. But all it takes is honesty about the struggle, the challenge, the love and joy found through the challenges and struggles. One person is honest and that gives the next person courage to share some of their messiness. That humility brings us closer to holiness.
New Year's Resolutions don't last long, usually. By March, they've petered out. So I've joined the bandwagon of those who advocate a word for the year. Instead of grandiose plans for change that concupiscence overcomes, it distills your goals down to one word. Easily remembered. A focus. My word for this year? Authenticity. Keeping it real. Really for Him.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
I'm REALLY Imperfect - Buy This Book Now
There are no perfect moms. I'm more imperfect than most. I have faulty genes; also known as bipolar disorder NOS. My challenging mental condition is usually controlled quite well by the medication I take. However, this week has been a rough one - full of rage and tears. My poor children have borne the brunt of these emotional excesses. They don't understand the disorder; but they understand me. My eldest daughter has read up on my illness and we've all spoken about it when I'm calm; she's able to remind them it's not personal when I lash out or when I piteously sob and can't tell them why because I don't know why. But it still hurts. I know. I've been there. The tendency is hereditary and I know precisely where it came from and after a week like this there's always crushing guilt that maybe I, too, have passed it on to one or more of my beautiful ones. And they gather round me with open arms and brimming eyes, ever ready to extend mercy and incredible love.
From the introduction of No More Perfect Moms: "While we're pursuing perfection, we're missing out on the most precious parts of life: the laughter of silliness, the joy of spontaneity, the lessons found in failure, and the freedom found in grace." (Italics mine.)
On a brighter note...this is the week! Buy this wonderful book this week. Why? Moody Publishing and Hearts at Home have teamed up to provide you with over $100 of free resources! Six presentations in Mp3 format (can't wait to hear Jennifer Rothschild, and as a homeschooling mama "Multiple Intelligences" presented by Dr. Kathy Koch will be invaluable, I'm thinking!); some inspirational printables; and three (3!) e-books! Who doesn't need to live free, have more grateful kids, and read another offering by Jill Savage? And that's not all! You'll also be entered into a drawing to win hotel accommodations and two Hearts at Home Conference registrations for you and a friend. Too cool! Can I use any more exclamation points!!!
I am registered for the conference; I have a ride lined up with two wonderful Mom's Group friends; I'm looking forward to the recharging of my Mission. In the meantime, there is calming breaths. There is the arms of my family. Their whispered love. There is grace. Thank God.
From the introduction of No More Perfect Moms: "While we're pursuing perfection, we're missing out on the most precious parts of life: the laughter of silliness, the joy of spontaneity, the lessons found in failure, and the freedom found in grace." (Italics mine.)
On a brighter note...this is the week! Buy this wonderful book this week. Why? Moody Publishing and Hearts at Home have teamed up to provide you with over $100 of free resources! Six presentations in Mp3 format (can't wait to hear Jennifer Rothschild, and as a homeschooling mama "Multiple Intelligences" presented by Dr. Kathy Koch will be invaluable, I'm thinking!); some inspirational printables; and three (3!) e-books! Who doesn't need to live free, have more grateful kids, and read another offering by Jill Savage? And that's not all! You'll also be entered into a drawing to win hotel accommodations and two Hearts at Home Conference registrations for you and a friend. Too cool! Can I use any more exclamation points!!!
I am registered for the conference; I have a ride lined up with two wonderful Mom's Group friends; I'm looking forward to the recharging of my Mission. In the meantime, there is calming breaths. There is the arms of my family. Their whispered love. There is grace. Thank God.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Book review
In her book No More Perfect Moms, Jill Savage speaks of the damage
unrealistic expectations can do to a woman's relationships and
self-confidence. Women tend to be "contaminated" with what Savage calls
"the perfection infection"; a need for our bodies, marriages, kids,
friends, homes, homemaking; our very days to be perfect. Reality is not
perfection. Unrealistic expectations only bring frustration and
discontent with our lives and the real people in them.
Pride, fear, insecurity, and judging all work to keep us infected with perfectionism. We need to stop comparing ourselves to others or to media representations and change our expectations to something more realistic. Pride should be dropped for humility. Replace fear with courage. Take off insecurity and put on confidence. Leave judgement for grace.
Savage's last chapter deals with the very perfect God who counterbalances our imperfections. His love is unchanging, unconditional. His strength is made perfect in our weakness.
I so needed this shot of reality! I compare myself to others. I fall short. This makes me feel less than adequate in my own parenting journey. It causes a loop of derogatory self-talk, which makes me fearful and insecure. Courageous women are still fearful, but don't allow fear to stop them. I'm learning to look at myself as God does, through eyes of grace. Learning that the imperfections of my kids are not a reflection of me was very freeing. Taking care of my body is a stewardship issue and marriage is designed more to make me holy than to make me happy.
If you've ever felt isolated or "less than" as a mother, this is a great book - I highly recommend it! --Lisa White
Pride, fear, insecurity, and judging all work to keep us infected with perfectionism. We need to stop comparing ourselves to others or to media representations and change our expectations to something more realistic. Pride should be dropped for humility. Replace fear with courage. Take off insecurity and put on confidence. Leave judgement for grace.
Savage's last chapter deals with the very perfect God who counterbalances our imperfections. His love is unchanging, unconditional. His strength is made perfect in our weakness.
I so needed this shot of reality! I compare myself to others. I fall short. This makes me feel less than adequate in my own parenting journey. It causes a loop of derogatory self-talk, which makes me fearful and insecure. Courageous women are still fearful, but don't allow fear to stop them. I'm learning to look at myself as God does, through eyes of grace. Learning that the imperfections of my kids are not a reflection of me was very freeing. Taking care of my body is a stewardship issue and marriage is designed more to make me holy than to make me happy.
If you've ever felt isolated or "less than" as a mother, this is a great book - I highly recommend it! --Lisa White
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
My Imperfect Day
We haven't started back to school. Mommy did not do HER homework over the Christmas Break (planning for second semester), so second semester has been delayed a week. I did that today. I also tackled laundry; in a family of seven, if you don't do a load or two every day it becomes something nearly insurmountable. It hasn't been a daily thing lately. And as every mother knows, there's meals and dishes and cleaning and putting the toilet paper on the spindles. Somehow, there's finding time for relationships; God, Hubby, each one of your gems. By the time my hubby got home from the office (he usually works from home: I missed him TERRIBLY) I had nothing left to give him. I had mismanaged my time. My day was not perfect.
I recently tried a yeast-elimination diet at the advice of my doctor. Felt amazing for the first time in a long time! An unlooked side-effect? I lost ten pounds. I couldn't believe it was all due to the diet so I began eating as before. I'm in more pain than before and I've gained five pounds back. The diet reduces inflammation and helps some people with fibromyalgia, arthritis, migraines, and other inflammatory conditions. (These are the reasons I am on the diet; it's also good for thrush, recurrent yeast infections and is good for diabetics.) All these pain conditions have led me to a chronic use of ibuprofen: I now have an ulcer. I'm learning to accept my high weight, the hairs on my chin, and the weird bump on my eyelid and I can "offer up" my pain for others, but acceptance is not the end. Change must be involved too. 1 Cor 6 tells me "you are not your own, you were bought at a price." Jill Savage, in her book No More Perfect Moms (you can read the first few chapters here) reminds us that "our bodies belong to God. He asks us to take care of our bodies and treat them like the Holy Spirit's precious home." She then goes on to recall to us that this is a stewardship issue. So I will go back on my diet, now that I know that, yes, all those good results really came from what I chose to eat. (Had I been in the Garden of Eden I would have been right there with Eve, questioning the serpent and curiously examining the forbidden fruit. Probably would have fallen with her, too. Sigh.) I'll try to move a little more; exercise my bulk. Continue to pluck and denude and ask the doc about the bump. My body is not perfect.
Because my body is not perfect I often have to rest. This includes naps if I over-do it. I over-did yesterday. I informed my two oldest children I was going to lay down and they were in charge. For Secunda, who is 14, this simply means be a guide if someone asks for help. For Primo, 16, this means get out the jackboots. Actually, I do him a disservice by making a joke like that. He has Asperger's Syndrome, and likes things just so, at a particular volume. When I am not there to help keep those parameters in place, he gets frustrated; which manifests in short-tempered bossiness that soon devolves into shouting which leaves my youngest (PPD-NOS) running to her room in noisy sobs, slamming the door behind her and leaves the informer (my other son, also on the autism spectrum) in my room. "Mom, you awake?" And a word-for-word account. Meanwhile, my two neuro-typical daughters are trying to smooth things over with their siblings. We extend grace and love and begin again. But the nap was pretty much over. My children are not perfect.
We have a Father whose children are not perfect. But he loves us perfectly. He looks at us through eyes of love and grace. He uses all things to grow us and mold us and shape us into the image of His son. While my day may not have been perfect, it was perfectly used. Thank you, O God of glory and grace.
I recently tried a yeast-elimination diet at the advice of my doctor. Felt amazing for the first time in a long time! An unlooked side-effect? I lost ten pounds. I couldn't believe it was all due to the diet so I began eating as before. I'm in more pain than before and I've gained five pounds back. The diet reduces inflammation and helps some people with fibromyalgia, arthritis, migraines, and other inflammatory conditions. (These are the reasons I am on the diet; it's also good for thrush, recurrent yeast infections and is good for diabetics.) All these pain conditions have led me to a chronic use of ibuprofen: I now have an ulcer. I'm learning to accept my high weight, the hairs on my chin, and the weird bump on my eyelid and I can "offer up" my pain for others, but acceptance is not the end. Change must be involved too. 1 Cor 6 tells me "you are not your own, you were bought at a price." Jill Savage, in her book No More Perfect Moms (you can read the first few chapters here) reminds us that "our bodies belong to God. He asks us to take care of our bodies and treat them like the Holy Spirit's precious home." She then goes on to recall to us that this is a stewardship issue. So I will go back on my diet, now that I know that, yes, all those good results really came from what I chose to eat. (Had I been in the Garden of Eden I would have been right there with Eve, questioning the serpent and curiously examining the forbidden fruit. Probably would have fallen with her, too. Sigh.) I'll try to move a little more; exercise my bulk. Continue to pluck and denude and ask the doc about the bump. My body is not perfect.
Because my body is not perfect I often have to rest. This includes naps if I over-do it. I over-did yesterday. I informed my two oldest children I was going to lay down and they were in charge. For Secunda, who is 14, this simply means be a guide if someone asks for help. For Primo, 16, this means get out the jackboots. Actually, I do him a disservice by making a joke like that. He has Asperger's Syndrome, and likes things just so, at a particular volume. When I am not there to help keep those parameters in place, he gets frustrated; which manifests in short-tempered bossiness that soon devolves into shouting which leaves my youngest (PPD-NOS) running to her room in noisy sobs, slamming the door behind her and leaves the informer (my other son, also on the autism spectrum) in my room. "Mom, you awake?" And a word-for-word account. Meanwhile, my two neuro-typical daughters are trying to smooth things over with their siblings. We extend grace and love and begin again. But the nap was pretty much over. My children are not perfect.
We have a Father whose children are not perfect. But he loves us perfectly. He looks at us through eyes of love and grace. He uses all things to grow us and mold us and shape us into the image of His son. While my day may not have been perfect, it was perfectly used. Thank you, O God of glory and grace.
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